Often while I’m out driving, minding my own business, I’ll see a burning mattress mounted on some bicycle wheels that gets pushed in front of my car, blocking my progress. Then, I’ll be accosted by a crowd of people who will drag me out of my car window, pin me to a wall, and demand I provide them with names for fictional spaceships or conventional naval vessels. Usually, they want names that are perhaps a bit offensive to famous people, or just a bit off-putting. I always try my best, and, in an effort to minimize the burning mattresses I encounter, I’d like to provide everyone with such a list of vessel names. Sound good?
These names should work equally well for spacecraft or ocean-going naval vessels in your stories, screenplays, personal reveries, or video game sagas. Some have been specified as spacecraft or ocean vessels, but most should be interchangable.
I’ve tried to organize them into categories, so that you may more easily find the sort of vessel name that suits you. I usually like to give the vessels a name, and then name the larger class of vessel it belongs to, along with a simple description of the vessel type.
Vessels Named For Celebrities With A Slightly Offensive Reference To Other Celebrities They Always Get Mixed Up With:
USS Prudhomme, a Deluise-class heavy cruiser USS Busey, a Nolte-class warship USS Paxton, a Pullman-class frigate HMS Knightly, a Portman-class fast attack ship
Vessels Named For Contrast-Based Jokes, Sometimes At The Expense Of A Person
USS Nathan Lane, a Murder-class destroyer HMS Disembowler, a Cuddle-class loveship USS Tila Tequila, a Sanity-class research vessel AOT Greta Thunberg, a Careless-class oil tanker HMS Boris Johnson, a Groomed-class hospital ship
Just Brutal Or Crude
USS Stephen Miller, a Fucknut-class sewage tanker SS Martin Shkreli, a Shitstain-class gunnery target USS Lena Dunham, an Insufferable-class barge USS Elon Musk, an Insecure-class orbital self-aggrandizement platform SS Chevy Vega, an artificial reef
Now These Are Just Stupid
USS Sudsy Monkey, a Maytag-class heavily armed laundry ship HMS Tenderarea, an Infected-class submersible SS Wildfire, an Equus-class high-speed horse transport spacecraft USS Floatygiggle, a Chucklenub-class high-security clown prison ship CSS Dampdiapers, a Pampers-class waste management submarine