In all honesty, an Aston Martin SUV isn’t the worst thing. I mean, my growing family of cats was really struggling to fit in the two-seaters, and we needed to add a larger vehicle to the family in order to all fit. Fluffy and Mittens also kept thinking the clutch pedal in the Vantage AMR was some form of whack-a-mole toy—making, as cats often do, once-simple tasks in life suddenly difficult.
So, you know, it was time. We knew it. Aston Martin knew it. Our big, happy cat family needed the upgrade, and I’ll just have to save the Vantage for the nights when I splurge on a sitter. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.
That means the new, 542-horsepower Aston Martin DBX SUV is here, in both undisguised physical form and in configurator form. The only logical question now is: How would you configure it?
Let us all guess: You wouldn’t, because an Aston Martin SUV is blasphemy and no different the rest of the refrigerators on wheels that are storming our streets, even if it has a 4.0-liter, twin-turbocharged V8.
Ah, ha! Good joke. Too bad you got beat to it.
The first disappointment of the DBX configurator is that it doesn’t feature any true shades of purple or fuchsia, since every car should come in at least one of each. But we’re left to choose from Aston’s usual large palette: different whites, grays, blacks, blues, greens, browns, reds and yellows. There’s Aston’s “Royal Indigo,” which is a darker blue-purple that wants to be purple but also wants to give its owner an out in case someone makes fun of their purple car, in which they can blame its hue on “the lighting” and say that, no, it’s actually blue.
But when there is no true purple or pink, the general rule is to go with the best blue, which is the one that most reminds you of the sea in The Little Mermaid. This process is all very scientific, you see.
After that, you just pick whatever sounds cool and ignore the price tag, because if you’re on an Aston Martin configurator, you either have so much money that you don’t care about price or so little that you’re just screwing around at work and don’t actually plan to buy the vehicle.
For me, those picks include: a luxury baby seat for the cats; carbon-fiber everything; an “events package” with “event seating” at the open tailgate, a picnic blanket, and an umbrella strap; 22-inch “Gloss Black Diamond Turned” wheels, because everything else either looked like menacing snakes in a tomb in an adventure movie or looked bad with the paint; every luggage piece offered, because why not; and yellow brake calipers, since the only other choice aside from gray or black, red, might have people confusing my vehicle with one of those “Subarus.” But, come to think of it, the yellow might, too. Either way, no tow hook on this SUV, because if I’m rich enough for an Aston Martin, I’m rich enough to have someone else tow my things for me.
I made the interior completely red as well, because it’s my Aston Martin and I’ll do what I want with it.
The cats will be thrilled.