Photo: Quadratec

The Jeep has one of the most iconic faces in all of motoring. The round lights, the seven-slot grille, the bread-loaf shape, these are all inexorably associated with tough, plucky Jeeps. It doesn’t look like it wants to murder you and dry-hump your corpse, though, and that’s a problem for some people. In trying to solve this “problem,” they make everything much worse.

I’m sure you’ve seen these “angry” jeep replacement grilles or headlight visors. They’re designed to transform the face of a Jeep into a livid, petulant asshole, quaking with indignant rage. I think these are intended to make the Jeep look tougher, somehow, but there’s two problems here:

• Jeeps already look tough

• Angry doesn’t necessarily mean tough

I mean, look at these things:

That’s not tough, that’s beside yourself with rage. That doesn’t mean you’re going to take charge and get shit done, that look means you just might burst into hot, angry tears at any moment and start screaming about how unfair everything is.

None of these feel determined, which could equate to a certain kind of tough, overcome-any-obstacle kind of feeling. These just feel angry, in a really showy, stupid way.

I mean, think about what a face like this says when you take your Jeep off-road. It says I’m upset. I don’t want to be here. I hate doing this. That’s the exact opposite of what a Jeep would be thinking. If a Jeep’s face looks eager and happy, then when you take it rock crawling it’s going to look like it fucking loves the mess you’re putting it through, and it’s ready to take a hell of a lot more.

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An angry Jeep face looks like it wants to go home and sulk in the garage.

Who wants to come out to your car every day and be greeted by a face that looks like it’s just discovered you calling it names on the internet? Who wants to drive something that has the look of a person who’s waiting in line for six hours at the DMV only to realize they forgot the one document they needed?

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Are these supposed to be intimidating? They’re not. They look like they can barely move because they’re just so damn angry. They all look like they’re about to find the nearest computer, log on to Reddit, and really, really give you what you’ve got coming, you asshole who doesn’t understand jack shit about anything.

Yeah, you heard me, angry Jeeps. I think you look stupid. What do you think of that, Pissed Jeep? What are you gonna do about it? You gonna cry? You look like you might cry. Go on Jeepy, cry, go on, little Jeep, cry!

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Lighten up, angry Jeeps. Life is good. You’re a Jeep!