Wife paints news of hubby's affair on SUV rear window

Illustration for article titled Wife paints news of hubby's affair on SUV rear window

The Ford Excursion's one seriously big SUV with a seriously big rear window. It's the perfect size for writing all sorts of messages — in this case, word that Nikki knows about Dave's affair. Good thing for Dave the Excursion can easily double as a studio apartment.


A certain distinguished member of Congress from New York must be happy right now he doesn't own a Ford Expedition. Although his Nissan Pathfinder's pretty big too.

Thanks ChiefPontiaxe!



Nikki stopped grinding a number of years ago—what with being 27 years, and a couple of kids older. And unfortunately, the bank cleaning was the first kind of cleaning she's done since she married Dave and moved to that McMansion that he only really wanted for the 3-car garage. We all know that a lot of things happen during courtship that don't during marriage (I've been with the same woman almost longer than I haven't) and those "funky times" tend to go away faster than the purple rain falls after kids arrive. Now, as Nikki has edged on towards menopause, things have only gotten worse.

Dave bought her the new 7-series she wanted (to show off to the girls at that new terrace restaurant) and got rid of his E36 coupe because it "wasn't really a family vehicle" anymore. Since he's got a boat to tow now—his pride and joy—the Excursion sorta-kinda made sense. I mean, he's got a 6-mile commute, so who cares what kind of mileage it gets? Besides, it was a great deal in this economy.

Unfortunately, it was the boat that got him in trouble. See, he hauled that goddamn boat out to Lake Tahoe—Nikki and the kids and that fucking Schmitt clan next door wanted to vacation in Tahoe, with a boat, and they didn't want to drive there and rent one. So Dave, being the stand-up guy he is, volunteered to hitch it up and drive all the way out there while the rest of them flew in. Dave made it a day early and fell into a local bar to congratulate himself. That's where he met Lindsay. She was there, drinking alone but waiting for her girlfriend, who was still trying to find a face to put on at the hotel. Dave was happy to talk to someone after such a long, solo drive and asked Lindsay what was good to eat. After a lot of alcohol, it turned out Lindsay was.

Dave's felt guilty about it for months now, though he's justified itself to himself that it was the most man-like he's felt since he last drove the E36 to the dealership...well, maybe the time before that. He cried on the way to the dealership. But unfortunately, Lindsay called him out of the blue the other day to ask when he was going back to Tahoe and the wife picked up. And Nikki, being the self-righteous born-again that she pretends to be, decided that she'd punish Dave the best way she knew how—by taking the kids and the money, not understanding she'd already taken away everything else that mattered to him.