I don't have the Fraternal Order of Police sticker on my car, nor do I have "friends" in the industry. I drive relatively fast, have been accused of beating on all my vehicles, and drive a Civic Si.

So how is it that I haven't been pulled over in years to receive an infraction, much less a warning? Simple: I call it Stealth Driving Dynamics. There's a list of tactics I use that's as long as the FBI's Most Wanted List. Want to know more and learn the tricks and tips that have been passed down to me from other stealth drivers? Then read on...

Let me start off by stating a simple disclaimer that I assume no responsibility for your actions after reading this article. If you get pulled over by your local law enforcement while utilizing these actions, I don't care. 95% of the time this will work, but without an idiot like you getting pulled over, there wouldn't be that 5%. Moving on...first step is real simple, and a child can tell you this tidbit of common sense. Lay of the tire squealing, for f#ck's sake! I can hear those guys a half a mile away jumping it off the lights in my local downtown, and if you live in a populated city like me, you can guarantee there is a cop within a half a mile. No one thinks your Monte Carlo is fast. Not Dale Jr. and most certainly not the high school girl in the G6 next to you. Just. Stop.

Next! A little tactic passed down to me from a haggard old man wandering my local campus one evening who had a set of teeth that I could only imagine were used as a wood planer. He gets to telling me about his GTO he owned and how he used to always speed at night, because the old 5-0 couldn't touch him once he made his way onto the Lodge (M-10, a local highway). His bit of skewed logic was that if you kept your turn signal during a lane change down to 2 flashes instead of the usual 5-6, you wouldn't catch the attention of Johnny Law watching for speeders through traffic. I almost dismissed him, but then added that to my list of driving habits. And you know what? It makes sense...I mean how many times have we seen that D-bag in his Trailblazer forget to turn off his signal for miles and miles on the freeway? Not only do WE see him, but we eventually make sure he sees us, namely with our one finger salute!

The next tip comes from many early personal experiences on the road. I initially used it as a tactic to brake check tailgaters, however as I met even more drivers like me, I realized I wasn't the only one using this as a stealth method! Ahh yes, you're a true gear head if you guessed using the parking brake instead of the pedal to slow down. I can't begin to count the amount of times I have used this one to avoid Smokey. It always seems to be that right when I get up to around 85 mph, I spot the famous Michigan State Police cruising in my lane, about a half a mile back, at damn near 100. No way am I going to hit my brakes now, he'll see those lights and know right away I was knee deep in the right pedal. A gentle tug on my handbrake, move over a lane, and within seconds he's cruising past me to make that important staff meeting regarding local chase policies (another article, for another time). Also, if you have to make a quick dive into a neighborhood at night to lose someone after a few road rage inducing moments, this works surprisingly well. After a few quick turn with the lights off and our handbrake technique, park her in a driveway and watch the 'roided up ex-Marine drive right by, all the while cranking up the latest from Mr. Montgomery Gentry himself.

It's only a few steps in the right direction, but let's be honest. What's the best way to not get pulled over? Don't break the law! Sure, we've all dropped our gun onto the gas pedal...thus exceeding the speed limit...while drinking a beer...and transporting illegal immigrants...in our mobile meth lab. But of course we learned from that! It's a matter of how we play "the game" between us and them. Follow these fairly idiot-proof tips, tweak them for a personal touch, or even add your own, and watch those points on your record drop off faster than the Lion's offensive line. Overall, let's be serious for a second and remember: Speed kills...and grease fires do too, so forget that and keep flying low!


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