Why on Earth Would You Morons Think This is My Condo?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had several emails read to me that were sent from you people, wondering if this new condo that you’d read about in Miami belonged to me. No, it does not, and it’s rude of you to think so.


First written up on Curbed Miami, the oceanfront condo attracted a lot of attention because it featured a Pagani Zonda R turned sideways and mounted as a room divider between the bedroom and the living room. The condo is valued at $8 million and the car at around $1.5 million.

At first, I was happy to ignore the emails, as I’m very good at being deaf to the wails of the poor, but then I realized that my very reputation was at stake here. This is me clearing the air. Admittedly, the condo is a pretty good starting-out pad, all things considered! But for me? As if.

Is that all you people think of when you think of me? Dollar signs everywhere? That, if something is expensive, it’s automatically mine? I’m flattered, but no. Those of you who truly get me (see also: None of you) would have easily spotted why this condo wasn’t mine.

Look at the photo. How many Zonda Rs do you see? One.

And how many did they make? Fifteen.

You think I wouldn’t have all 15 in my condo? That I wouldn’t buy the rest of the set just to keep them out of pedestrian hands? Get real. Not that you would ever know, with your job or anything, but exclusivity is the name of this game. The first half of it is securing the item. The second half is ending it for anyone who could do the same.


I’ve really tried to broaden your minds these past few months, and yet you still think like a working class citizen. It must be ingrained in who you are. It’s pathetic.

Besides, I already have real estate in Miami. Aston Martin built me a high rise just last year. So don’t bother me with this bullshit again.


Writer at Jalopnik and consumer of many noodles.



Point accepted. Since we’re “Doxx’ing” you guys though, here’s a drone shot through the window of David Tracy’s place...