What Recession? Rolls-Royce Sold More Cars Last Year Than Ever Before

Illustration for article titled What Recession? Rolls-Royce Sold More Cars Last Year Than Ever Before

Rolls-Royce — the luxury car brand that makes all other luxury carmakers feel young, vibrant and West Egg-ish — saw a seemingly astounding 31% increase in sales in 2011. Rolls sold 3,538 Spirit of Ecstasy-ornamented barges of bountiful bank accounts — making it the best year of sales in the brand's 107-year-old history. Wait, does this mean those poors whining about the 1% are right?


Perish the thought! A look at the details indicates those whining art history graduates couldn't be more wrong.

Breaking out those sales across the globe, Rolls saw 47% higher sales in the Asia Pacific region, and Middle East sales were up 23%. North America — home to the United States, the brand's most important market — saw sales blossom by 17%.


But wait, you say, that seems to be even more evidence of a upper crust of American society that's ever-more-capable of buying big ticket items while the middle class continues to disappear to be replaced by an ever-increasing class of food stamp-carrying shiftless unemployed college grads.


What these overeducated with liberal arts degree riff-raff don't understand is the big increase in sales isn't coming from the $380,000-plus top-of-the-line Phantom. No, the car that saw the most growth was the recently-launched Ghost — with a mere pittance of a starting price of $250,000. Hell, some owners are even toying with the idea of buying an electric Rolls-Royce.

Everyone's cinching their belts these days, you know.

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It's not you, it's me

Atticus Bartholomew Dunster IV! How are you man? Did you catch the Yankees game last night? Of course I saw it, I was right behind home plate eating a steak!

Listen, don't tell anyone, but have I got something to sell you. My man Chet over at Citigroup is bundling car loans and offering them as securities! You got to get in on this before the poors find out and start snapping them up! You better act fast Atti, because these aren't any car loan securities; they're Rolls Royce securities! Once the poors find out about that, they'll be buying these, framing the certificates, and hanging them up in their cardboard boxes! It'll be the closest a poor has gotten to the Spirit of Ecstasy since you hit that woman on Sixth in your Roller.

Risks? There aren't any Atticus! Of course the Rolls Royce owners will pay off their loans! I mean, they drive Rolls Royces, not a BMW with a bodykit. *cough* And Standard & Poors rated these securities AAA, and when have they ever been wrong? Never; that's when.

So be a shark Atticus and wire me some money for some packaged Rolls Royce car loan securities! Unless you're a vagina, but you're not a vagina...you're a Shark!

That-a-boy Atticus! This is the best buy you'll ever make.


Whew! Thank God I unloaded those Rolls Royce securities! Those loans will never be paid off.