Time To Buy A New Car

Illustration for article titled Time To Buy A New Car
Image: NYS Department of Environmental Conservation (Facebook)

No questions. No second guessing. No sentimental hesitation. No “But it could definitely go another 100,000 miles.” No justifying the situation. No regrets. It is time to buy a new car.


The New York State Department of Environmental Conservation posted this photo on Facebook Thursday, with its social-media manager likely laughing to themselves about how the 72,427 users who like the page will have nightmares about it for a week. (Maybe that’s why you people only have 3.6 stars in your Facebook reviews! Just sayin’!) The post said this photo was from June 11, when an unlucky motorist popped their hood to see a huge rattlesnake.

How about a big, collective “nope”?


The page started the post by asking, “Ever hear your engine rattle before?” because ha ha ha that’s REALLY CUTE when there’s a giant rattlesnake giving the camera the stare of death. (Speaking of, who took this picture? Why? Was the camera zoomed in from 200 yards away? It should have been.)

Someone called about a timber rattlesnake in their car earlier this month, the post said, which the person discovered after popping the hood to jump start it. The snake curled up near the battery after the hood opened up, and then two officials from the Department of Environmental Conservation showed up to get the snake out of there. They picked it up and unwrapped its tail from part of the engine, then released it nearby next to some large boulders.

Look, good for the snake. This was the best outcome for the snake, the car and everyone else. But, like, sell that thing. List it now; say it’s in excellent condition aside from a slight rattle in the engine. Burn it. Something. Buy a new car.

Staff writer, Jalopnik

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I’d scream my head off, making a total asp of myself.