As you've probably heard, Patrick spent three days in jail after doing 93 mph in a 55 zone in the middle of nowhere in Virginia. If you also think that's insane, avoid going to Virginia, or if you must, try using any of these five fine automobiles.
Let me start by saying that getting jail time for doing 149 km/h on the open road anywhere is America is absolutely unacceptable.
Yes, I used km/h instead of mph, because I live in the middle of Europe, where if you get caught doing 149 km/h in a 90 zone (which would be 56mph in America), you get fined $254, points on your license and considering that we also have zero tolerance for drinking and driving, you can't ease the pain with a cool beer until you make it home.
That certainly sucks, but not as much as Virginia's ridiculous reckless driving laws that can put you at the mercy of some judge and his wardens in no time. Remember, above 80 mph is considered reckless straight away in the country which just launched a 707 horsepower street car. And I thought the EU was strange!
With that in mind, let's see what should you drive in the Commonwealth of Single Phone Calls.
Honda Beat
Can it do 80 mph? With an electronically limited top speed of 83, it can.
Can it do 94 mph in a 55 zone, putting me in jail? Nope, you're good.
Designed by Pininfarina, build by Honda to be the shining star of the domestic kei car category, the Beat uses a naturally-aspirated 656cc three-cylinder engine with individual throttle bodies for each of the three cylinders to produce 63 horsepower screaming at 8100 rpm.
The super-low open top experience also means that Virginia State Troopers might be sitting to high in their SUVs to catch you with their radars. Stealth mode on!
Autobianchi Bianchina Cabriolet
Can it do 80 mph? No, official top speed is 60 mph, but it will take a while to get there.
Can it do 94 mph in a 55 zone, putting me in jail? You won't break the law.
The upscale version of the original Fiat 500 is not only stylish, but also slow enough to keep you out of jail even in Virginia. 21 horsepower or not, it will also get you laid faster than a whole flock of puppies.
The air-cooled rear-engined minicar might need a few extra stops on your way to cool down on a sunny day, but what better way to discover the wonders of Virginia without any bars blocking the view!
BMW 700
Can it do 80 mph? No, 78 mph is all you get.
Can it do 94 mph in a 55 zone, putting me in jail? Maybe if you push it down a hill?
BMW's last economy car had a 697cc flat-two motorcycle engine at the rear and a body made of steel so thin that even the shadow of a rainy day could turn the whole car into a bucket full of rust.
Any other rear-wheel drive BMW coupe could put you in the hands of a Virginia judge before you knew it, but not this one. The 700 keeps the family together just like how it kept BMW together in the early 1960s.
Morris Mini
Can it do 80 mph? No, 72 mph is where the first Minis topped out.
Can it do 94 mph in a 55 zone, putting me in jail? Maybe in a Cooper, so avoid those.
Back in 1958, the proposed engine size for the Mark 1 Mini was 948 cc, but luckily for all visiting Virginia, the chairman of BMC thought that the 90 mph top speed was "excessive" and thus reduced the engine size to 848 cc. What a visionary!
That resulted in a top speed of 72 mph and better fuel economy. With fuel prices getting higher in Virginia too, this might be your ticket to freedom.
Austin-Healey Sprite
Can it do 80 mph? Yes, the bastards made it so fast, it can scratch 83...
Can it do 94 mph in a 55 zone, putting me in jail? Well, not that fast!
The British keep racing their Frogeyes since day one, but while Virginia was the first English colony in the world, you don't have to follow their foolish practices even if you feel the urge breathing in all that history.
The open-top Sprite is more refreshing than the canned version and can be fixed with a hammer once it broke down, which it will. But better getting a bit of oil on your cloth than wearing clean but highly visible jail scrubs...
Disclaimer: If you get jail time after driving any of these cars in Virginia, blame Canada!
Photo credit: misscrabette, Ian Muttoo, Franco Folini, allenthepostman, Wiki Commons and exfordy.