This Craigslist Corvette Is A Tragic Monster

Illustration for article titled This Craigslist Corvette Is A Tragic Monster

The Chevrolet Corvette. It is, in some ways, the physical embodiment of American speed. It is an icon. To many, it is sacred. That's why I can't even begin to understand — in fact, don't even want to understand — why this Corvette owner would commit such an unspeakable act of treason against his wonderful machine. Look inside, and see the unforgivable sin he has committed against this car.

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Illustration for article titled This Craigslist Corvette Is A Tragic Monster

It's an automatic.

An automatic Corvette.

I ask you, what kind of sick, depraved human being buys an automatic Corvette? Can they even be called "human"?

Illustration for article titled This Craigslist Corvette Is A Tragic Monster

After all, it is our humanity that makes us human — our hopes, dreams, desires, loves, fears, faults, prejudices, and the inner goodness that allows us to find common ground with one another, no matter how different we are.

Someone who buys an automatic Corvette has none of these things, and is more than likely just a sack of flesh and blood and bone, walking around pretending to be human.

Illustration for article titled This Craigslist Corvette Is A Tragic Monster
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An automatic Corvette. Try believing in a loving God after you gaze upon this thing. Yes, the fancy new Z06 may have an automatic gearbox with paddle shifters, and it's probably very fast around a track, but it's wrong. Deep in your heart of hearts you know it's wrong.

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In fact, words like "wrong" don't even have enough weight to express how terrible this automatic Corvette is. We have to borrow a term from another language. In Arabic, the term would be ḥarām. This automatic Corvette is ḥarām.

Illustration for article titled This Craigslist Corvette Is A Tragic Monster
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Well, sir, the transmission on your Corvette has outraged me deeply, and it has caused me to question whether I really think people are inherently good or not.

This is simply inexcusable.

Illustration for article titled This Craigslist Corvette Is A Tragic Monster
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Hat tip to Damien!

DISCUSSION

*Walks into Auto Zone*

"I'll take everything."