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The XJ-S Was A Very Old Pussy In 1990

Illustration for article titled The XJ-S Was A Very Old Pussy In 1990

In 1990, the Jaguar XJ-S was already on sale for sixteen years. That didn't stop the British from making it for another five, but for the nineties, they upgraded the whole thing to keep it attractive for the lords. They also got rid of the hyphen, so it become the XJS. That's more or less five extra horses right there!

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What you see here is a print ad for the old car from 1990. A little lube for getting rid of those stocks. Read it carefully, then I will try to translate it for you:

Illustration for article titled The XJ-S Was A Very Old Pussy In 1990

Have you ever heard of Enzo Ferrari? He said aerodynamics is for people who can't build engines. We can, even better than he did, so no worries! Your sleek battleship will create the same passion that surrounds Jaguars all over the world. This feeling is very crucial when you run into some difficulties on your way. It builds character, as you just keep calm, and carry on.

Inside, the XJ-S is very much like sitting in your favourite leather chair at the country club. It's all about you! If your relaxation is somehow disturbed by any suspicious noises in the background, the 80-watt stereo will take care of it. The thought of having a V12 up front is very reassuring: you can stand up against the Germans any time they bother you. And the French? We won Le Mans with our cars, which means so can you. You know what to do: 1-800-4-JAGUAR.

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Photo credit: pyntofmyld

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DISCUSSION

Haddy
Kit 'Haddy' Iwamatsu

I JUST bought an 87 Jaguar XJ-S with the V12 at auction for scrap cost. It wouldn't start due to incomplete electricals, but the body was ultra straight and freshly painted with proper auto paint (my meter showed it to be around original depth, so it was stripped to bare metal.) Interior is 100% gone. Someone project car, and it's body was excellent. Clean as hell underneath, wasn't a drop of oil anywhere. Pulled the dipstick, dry.

As soon as I topped it off, it started POURING out of every single gasketed surface. Compression test showed no compression on about 4 cyls. Hmm. Well, lets see what i need to do the brake job.

WTF is this SHIT? Why are the brakes on the goddamn Diff? Inboard brakes do not belong on street cars. Damn you jaguar.

*sighs*

Oh well, its getting a 60k mile 4l60E and LS1 from an 04 GTO I found at a salvage yard this morning before heading into work. The entire electrical system is going out. The interior I am undecided. I might redo everything kinda nice, or I might say fuck it, and weld up some aluminum to hold my gauges and steering column while slapping in a racing seat. Either way its gonna be fun.