The Range Rover Astronaut Edition Is for Fools Who Need to Get Back to Work, for Me, on Earth

All image credits: Land Rover

“Space is the new frontier,” is a phrase you often hear from dreamy losers with their heads stuck in the clouds. Every time I hear this, I am compelled to disagree. The only “new frontier” anyone should be concerning themselves with is climbing to greater heights up the capitalist totem pole. Get out of here with that space nonsense.

Advertisement

Land Rover recently unveiled the Range Rover Astronaut Edition, available only to those who have signed up to be in the Virgin Galactic Future Astronaut community. Who are these people and what is this community, you ask?

Well!

Virgin Galactic is a spaceflight company that’s trying to bring spaceflight to the masses. The Future Astronauts are what it calls the group of people who have signed up to be the world’s first private astronauts.

Look, if you have money, spend it however you want. It won’t stop me from calling you an idiot, though. What do you want to go to space for? See how high up you can go? Get a view? If that’s what you’re after, then I’ve got a 4K TV and some designer club drugs to sell you. I do, however, praise Virgin Galactic for capitalizing on these empty peoples’ desperate grasp for fulfillment.

But let me explain something. There is no money in space. No easily accessible precious minerals. You’d spend more getting there than you’d actually make back on anything of value. In my book, that is a Bad Deal. Plus, there’s no air up there, which means no sound, which means that the servants won’t hear you shouting for them to mop up the blood from the latest gladiator fight (my favorite thing to watch to unwind after a long day).

Advertisement

Anyway, I’m getting off topic. Is it warm in here? The special edition Range Rover has special Zero Gravity Blue paint, a puddle lamp with the silhouette of Virgin Galactic’s SpaceShipTwo and Astronaut Edition badging.

Advertisement

Inside, you get a “DNA of flight” graphic on the console lid and initialed headrests, in case you ever lose them. Plus, a piece of landing skid from the Virgin Spaceship Unity’s first space flight spaceship has been made into two discs in the cupholders so you can spill coffee on them.

Here are more details on those discs, per a press release:

One of these references a quote which Richard Branson often makes to his fellow Future Astronauts - ‘See you up there’ -and the other features the details of the space flight. Once a Future Astronaut has flown to space, and becomes an astronaut, this will be swapped out with part of the wooden skid from that customer’s own spaceflight, personally inscribed with the specific details of a life changing experience.

Advertisement

More space exploration is coming, I’m sure. I just won’t be part of it. I’ve got projects to finish down here, man. My construction projects in Baku, Caracas and Pyongyang won’t finish themselves. I got shit to do instead of flying around for no reason.

For the most part, space is dark and cold and lonely. Why would I want to travel that far just to experience life the way it’s already felt by the masses?

Advertisement
Advertisement

Share This Story

About the author

Kristen Lee

Writer at Jalopnik and consumer of many noodles.