Hello, darlings. My favorite time of the year is just around the corner and I’m in a festive mood. I’ve just finished overseeing the putting up of the holiday decorations in my winter château. The tree won’t be arriving for another few days, so I’ve got some time on my hands.

Mostly, I wanted to take a moment and give you poor, lost souls some advice. You’ll soon be attending your own holiday parties, and while that’s nice and everything, how much fun do you really have hanging out with your nieces and nephews? Be honest. There’s only so much interest you can fake in their minor scholastic achievements until you’re ready to drown yourself in the supermarket eggnog. It would be a tacky death, to say the least.

So! I’m here to give you a quick gift guide on what you’ll need to party like me. Don’t be confused, though: this isn’t an invitation to partying with me. It’s for partying like me. See the difference? You’re supplying your own party favors. And I have no intention of hanging out with you. Got it? Good.

Kentucky Derby Hat

Image credit: Arturo Rios/Etsy

Look, the whole point of throwing a party is to show all your other social underlings that you’re the one throwing the goddamn party. There’s no better accessory for that than a big, ol’ fuckin’ hat. The more show-stopping the better.

These hats are made of different materials and, obviously, the bigger they are, the heavier they become.

Advertisement

“But couldn’t I just take off the hat if my neck gets tired?” you bleat like the weakling you are. Of course not! You do not remove the hat until the very last guest has either left, been thrown from the premises or passed out on the bearskin rug in the parlor. This is why my neck is so thick, it’s from holding heavy hats and my nose up in the air for so many years.

I suppose if the weight does become too unbearable, you can always have a member of the help follow you around and and hold your head upright for you.

14K Gold Cartier Art Deco Cigarette Holder

Image credit: Christie’s

Yeah, yeah I know: smoking is bad for you blah blah blah. But I can’t tell you how cathartic it is to light one up after you’ve set fire to a yacht as an act of war against a company that’s displeased you. Ask me how I know.

Obviously, you don’t want you fingers smelling of tobacco or whatever other herbals you have your cigarettes rolled with. That’s very low-class, so the holder is ideal. Here’s a nice one from Cartier, always a dear friend of mine in times of darkness.

I’ll admit this one is only 14k gold, but you get the idea. This is a gift guide for you, not me.

Advertisement

Manor Estate In Geneva, Switzerland

Image credit: Sotheby’s

Look! I found you a cottage!

Parties need space, parties need venues. Trashing the Mandarin Oriental is always nice, but sometimes you just want something a little more intimate. This is where a manor estate comes in handy, preferably located somewhere chic, like Geneva.

Sitting on eight hectares of land (that’s about 20 acres to you provincial Americans), this estate has a private nine-hole golf course, pool and pool house, tennis court, bowling court, vegetable patch, petrol pump and large, wooded area.

The manor itself has 900 square meters (approximately 9,700 square feet) of usable floor space, along with a multi-car garage. Literally the ideal place for a party! Not too big that you’d lose yourself to the delusions that after-hours bring, but also not too small that you’re forced to speak to everyone that you’ve invited. It’s perfect.

Evening Gown

Image credit: Bergdorf Goodman

Advertisement

But of course you need something to match your hat. It’s not enough for your headwear to make a statement, the rest of you must as well!

For this I’d trust none other than Valentino and this sequined red number is just divine. Normally, I’d insist on something custom, but since you’re, well, you, I think stopping in at Bergdorf is acceptable. Free shipping, too! And at $19,800, the dress is practically a steal.

Quick! Get it before it goes on sale and the poor people buy it.

Helicopter

Image credit: Business Air

Every good party planner knows that a key exit strategy is a must. There could be a myriad of reasons to leave early: the party becomes stale, the favors run out, the champagne runs dry, the IRS shows up. All of these are very valid reasons!

You could easily buy yourself a good getaway car, but sometimes the roads don’t carry you fast enough and there local authorities might have set up roadblocks. You don’t want that. A helicopter is the perfect vehicle.

Advertisement

There’s definitely enough room on the grounds of that estate to stash a helicopter. Just make sure the yacht has a helipad, too. What, are you supposed to land in the ocean, you goose?

Miscellaneous

Here are just some other miscellaneous items you might want to consider for your party to give it that extra kick.

Party Favors

Image credit: Janels Katlaps/Flickr

Beverages

Image credit: Dale Cruse/Flickr

Super Villan Friends

Advertisement

I’ll leave locating these up to you. I have no doubt you’ll be able to find them.