The Onion Scoops GM-UAW Announcement

Illustration for article titled The Onion Scoops GM-UAW Announcement

Yes, The Onion was the first to get the exclusive details on the biggest announcement so far in 2008. This announcement is chock full of good and bad, depending on who you are. Without further ado I present to you, by way of The Onion, GM's 2008 Layoffs!

Urging consumers to forget everything they thought they knew about job security, [Rick] Wagoner described the cutbacks as "a major breakthrough in downsizing," and claimed GM had set a new benchmark in letting people go.


Other features included in the 2008 GM Layoffs include automatic suspension of health-care benefits, no-money-down payment option on severance and forced-retirement packages and a new and improved three-day termination notice, compared to the two-week termination notice in previous years.

Our main man himself, Bob Lutz, has to be heard, as well.

"Our new line of layoffs will forever change the way hardworking men and women get by ... No other car company today—be it Toyota, Ford, or even Saturn—can compete with GM when it comes to canning their workforce."


Oh, The Onion, when will it ever end? You so silly! Well, silly indeed — except this morning it became true. [The Onion]

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This never would have happened if Mittens was President.