The New Mini Seven Is Desperate Hipster Malarkey

Illustration for article titled The New Mini Seven Is Desperate Hipster Malarkey

After an explosive comeback over a decade ago, Mini has been struggling to build a brand identity—mostly due to the tendency for newer models to bloat beyond anything resembling the namesake. Mini has decided to bring back the ‘Seven’ title, remembering the days when the little car was called an Austin Seven in a desperate attempt to appeal to heritage hipsters.

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Of course the Mini Seven isn’t anything more than a visual package on the existing 3-door and 5-door Mini Cooper and Cooper S. No weight savings. No extra ponies. Just a name, some paint, some trim, and a weak attempt at digging the roots of the car’s heritage back out of the ground.

The new exterior color options mentioned in the release are Pepper White, Midnight Black, British Racing Green and Lapisluxury Blue, which I like it so we’re cool. The silver roof is standard on the Seven. For the interior there’s an exclusive Diamond Malt Brown leather and fabric combo on the seats and trim, a Mini Seven logo on the dash, and additional “display content” on the infotainment system.

Illustration for article titled The New Mini Seven Is Desperate Hipster Malarkey
Illustration for article titled The New Mini Seven Is Desperate Hipster Malarkey
Illustration for article titled The New Mini Seven Is Desperate Hipster Malarkey
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Illustration for article titled The New Mini Seven Is Desperate Hipster Malarkey

We don’t yet know how much more this Mini Austin Seven Heritage Exclusive Deluxe Hipster Peace Special will cost over a normal Cooper, but it will have to fit into the budget of a musician, barista, or writer’s salary.

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You can get it with any of the existing Cooper packages, engines, transmissions—it’s essentially a hipster sleeve over a traditional Cooper you can stroke your ego with. Nothing personal. I do like the blue, but at what price? Are my fellow teen hipster pals going to know what an Austin Seven is?

Reviews Editor, Jalopnik

DISCUSSION

lets-just-drive
Lets Just Drive

I’ve been staunch in my dislike for the new Mini since its return to production. I’ve avoided talking about how admirably it performs in terms of modern FWD hatches. I’ve avoided discussing the depreciation, predictable and livable though it be. I’ve avoided talking about any of the cars strong points, of which it has many.

Why?

Because I fucking hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate it with almost the same veracity I reserve for the new Beetle and slightly less than I loathe the reborn Fiat 500.

And then, recently, a co-worker took me for a ride in his recently purchased Works Mini and I was... impressed, but I held firmly to my hate. It couldn’t drive well enough to overcome that seething mountain of morbidity. Then he put me in the drivers seat, challenging the lengths to which I could go to still and utterly detest the damnable car. After a spirited, admittedly awesome, drive we stepped out of the rather un-cramped coupe-hatch and I looked at the car before handing him the keys as the hate returned in waves.

It didn’t matter if it was good. It didn’t even matter if it was great. It didn’t matter if it made all the sense in the world.

I still hated it.

And if you’re wondering how I can tap such an bottomless wellspring of negative emotion when it comes to this Mini line, you need look no further than the car featured above.

It may be great. It may be terrible.

But it’s not a Mini and it can go fuck itself.