The Hare Scramble Is The Most Miserable Godforsaken Motorsport On Earth

We humans like motorsports because they combine all the best aspects of living—flying, leaping, speed, adrenaline—with our favorite pastime, sitting. Hare Scramble is the one motorsport that takes the joy out of all of it.

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The very reason why we enjoy motorsports is the very reason why we don’t enjoy ultramarathons. Everyone doing it just looks absolutely miserable. Nobody’s ever having fun. Oh, sure, after they’re done they all give interviews talking about “the challenge” and “mind over matter” and all sorts of other boring things while we take pictures of their gross legs.

But nobody’s ever got a smile on their face (NOTE: if you come into the comments to post pictures of smiling ultramarathoners and cyclists, you will be Ignored and/or Banned depending on my fickle whims at the very moment, this is my screed go get your own dang blog).

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Hare Scramble takes much the same grueling idea, and applies it to bikes. Get 500 (five hundred!) riders, a very long and awful course over a mountain quarry, and see which one can Take It All.

You know what? I’ll watch. It’s something nice to have on in the background over a long holiday weekend. But I’d never want to attempt it.

Deputy Editor, Jalopnik. 2002 Lexus IS300 Sportcross.

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DISCUSSION

Sorry, Micheal, this is just bad writing. Unless you performed like ZERO research on the topic you should be ashamed for posting this.

For those outside of the US (and Europe, I guess) Hare Scrambles are generally held in the southwest US in places like Arizona, New Mexico and Nevada. The reason is simple: several dozen/hundred motorcyclists race each other on very long courses with several laps equalling a few hundred miles. Each lap is often 50+ miles long, including long runs down desert roads, gullies and washouts; up boulder fields and rock-strewn forestry roads; and point-to-point trails that are genuinely single-track paths ripped out of the hillsides.

The posted video is THE BIG ONE, in Germany - but you’ll note a lack of American riders because, frankly, there are much better events in the states that aren’t meant to totally destroy the bikes and humans riding them. The 4-wheeled equivalent in the states is the King of the Hammers, something many more people are aware of...hare scrambles are a lot like that, except the bikes don’t get stacked up so bad so often. You’ll find the same dirt-covered monster bros at each event, and the bikes that ‘chase’ the hammers contenders are able to keep up with big 4-wheel rigs.

But you wouldn’t be stuffing you trophy truck up the trails the hare scrambles use. Nossir. At any rate, the guys I knew down in Albuquerque were always nursing broken legs and bruises, talking about how much they had to spend to fix their bike after the last scramble. Lots of prep and family sacrifice - the fam sits back at the RV in some dusty lot waiting for their rider to roll through every hour or so. If you’re not on a bike it’s boring as shit- and, as often as it happens, you sure don’t want to get seriously injured out on the trail, you’ll be waiting for a very expensive helicopter ride to the nearest hospital, where your family might show up a few hours later.

...I’m pretty sure there are easer ways to torture yourself.