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The Gift Guide For Drivers Who Like To Break The Law

Driving is fun. You know what else is fun? Breaking the motherfucking law. Here’s some shit you should get if you plan on doing it, and also for when you inevitably get caught.

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Please note that none of this should be taken as tacit encouragement to actually break the law! No, far from it. But if you’re going to engage in such activities on your own, for any reason, here are some ways to be prepared.

A Crowbar

Photo credit: Timo Kuusela
Photo credit: Timo Kuusela
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Look man, I’m not telling you what to do with it. It’s a legitimate tool with legitimate purposes. Just enjoy it, cherish it, give it a hug. It’s your crowbar. Own it and love it. Have fun. You can even pick one up damn cheap.

A Radar Detector

Photo credit: Steven Depolo
Photo credit: Steven Depolo
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Now that you’ve used your crowbar for non-nefarious deeds, it’s time to go out for a leisurely drive and not run from the police at all. A radar detector will help you keep a low profile for awhile, give you enough time to find a safehouse. Don’t call your friend Steve, his phone has been tapped. Just don’t do anything crazy, alright? When the thing beeps or makes noise or whatever just slow down. It’ll be fine. This will all be fine.

People have bought Valentine Ones for years. You can pick one up for about $460.

A Speedometer That Only Goes Up To 55 MPH

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Cops catch you anyway? Just point at your speedometer furiously. “You see officer? My car only goes up to 55 mph. There is no POSSIBLE way I was going 193 in a school zone.”

I’m not a lawyer, so I can’t guarantee this works?

Anyways, $32 is cheaper than a speeding ticket.

A Toothbrush

Photo credit: Windell Oskay
Photo credit: Windell Oskay
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Alright, so my speedometer idea wasn’t exactly legally sound, and you’re probably going up the river for a while. To the hoosegow. The slammer. The joint. Con college. The pen. The pokey. The rock. The clink. The graybar hotel. The castle. The stoney lonesome. The lockup. The nick. The stockade. The big house. Jail.

You’re going to want a toothbrush, which can be used for teeth or other things. (Amazon, $7.19 for a two-pack.)

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Prison Guide: Prison Survival Secrets Revealed by Angelo Pisano

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You’re probably going to be there a while. Might as well bring a book, if you want to live. ($27 on Amazon.)

How About Just A Track Day?

Photo credit: Michael Roselli/Jalopnik
Photo credit: Michael Roselli/Jalopnik
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Dreaming of that which was lost, of freedom, of not listening to blogs that suggest a defense of “my speedometer doesn’t go any higher, therefore the laws of physics let alone the laws of man do not apply?” Speed legally, on a race track.

We like going to Lime Rock Park. You can become a member of the drivers club for the low, low price of a $55,000 initiation fee plus $3,630 in annual dues. Which sounds pricey! But it gets you 20 track days a year, along with unlimited coaching from people who actually know how to drive. So you can either purchase a brand new BMW M3 and drive it slowly, or an old, beat-up M3 and a membership, and you can have way more fun.

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Or you can just go on a regular track day with your local club, which usually costs on the order of hundreds of dollars, and not thousands. Either way, enjoy.

Forza Horizon 3

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Look, I get it. Even one-off track days are expensive. Not everyone has a couple of hundred bucks laying around just to blow it all in one day. You need to express your lawbreaking fantasies somehow, and you need to do it without the risk of actually totaling your car when you drive it like an idiot.

Get a video game. We think Forza Horizon 3 is good. Pick it up on Amazon for about $60. It’ll be worth it, trust me. Lawyers are way more expensive.

Deputy Editor, Jalopnik. 2002 Lexus IS300 Sportcross.

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DISCUSSION

damnthisburnershitsux
damnthisburnershitsux

May I recommend ARAG legal insurance, many employers offer it as an optional benefit but they will also sell it directly to individuals for $17-24 a month. As long as you’re not drinking and driving it covers the following items which are perfect for the lead footed among us;

  • Drivers License Restoration (excluding DWI)
  • Drivers License Suspension or Revocation (excluding DWI)
  • Traffic Tickets (excluding DWI)
  • Expungement
  • Habeas Corpus
  • Juvenile Matters
  • Misdemeanor Matters

Personally I don’t speed but every few years I sign up for things like updating my wills or anytime I am planning on purchasing or selling a home. It will quite literally pay for itself several times over.

Oh and if you are a reckless speeder you may also want to consider these services right away as well as umbrella insurance.

  • Durable, Financial and Healthcare Powers of Attorney
  • Estate Administration
  • Inheritance Rights
  • Irrevocable Trusts
  • Living Wills
  • Revocable Trusts
  • Wills and Codicils