The Bears Are Evolving

Illustration for article titled The Bears Are Evolving
Image: Boulder County Sheriff’s Office (Facebook)

In life, there are a few fundamental facts: Grass is green, the sky is blue, and bears are bound to get stuck in Subarus. But bears aren’t just getting stuck in Subarus anymore—no, these days, they’re closing the door behind them and taking off, even if their journey ends by running into a nearby tree.


It only gets worse from here. First, bears are rolling into nearby objects after an accidental car break in. Next, they’re beside us at the stoplights in the morning, giving a polite honk and a wave.

“Howdy, neighbor!”

Ohio news station WLWT had a wire story over the weekend, which said, in the species’ latest evolution into full-on car thieves, a bear in Colorado broke into a Subaru and went on its way. The driver’s door was unlocked, the report said, and the bear pulled it open—only to have it close as soon as the bear climbed in.

The bear tried to rip its way out through all four doors, a Facebook post from the Boulder County Sheriff’s Office said, but in the process, “apparently butt-shifted the car into neutral,” as one does. The car then rolled away, off of the driveway it was on and about 100 feet down a hill. It eventually hit a tree and popped the door open, leaving the bear an escape route and the owner with a trashed vehicle.

You see, the bears are evolving. They’re getting sneakier, better at breaking in and better at breaking away. While it once was a triumph to simply rip a bumper off of a car, that would now be considered mediocre—sloppy, even. Only the swiftest of door openers and butt-shifters are the pinnacle of bearhood now, and soon, their vehicle-control skills will be right up there with ours.

The sheriff’s office, of course, used the photo to remind everyone to lock their cars and not leave anything inside of them that might attract bears, like donuts, chocolate, candy, or really anything else with a smell. Perhaps the better advice would be to not live near bears.

But because the bears are evolving into drivers (and car thieves), we may not soon have a choice. They’ll infiltrate our lives, our cars, our wellbeing—until it’s simply too much for us to bear.


Thanks for the email, Rob and Kelly!

Staff writer, Jalopnik


For Sweden

God help us if bears start driving. They can’t keep it between the yellow lines