Terrorists In Michigan Radicalized A Chrysler PT Cruiser

A totally innocent-looking Chrysler PT Cruiser
A totally innocent-looking Chrysler PT Cruiser
Image: Chrysler/Jason Torchinsky

The PT Cruiser has been the butt of many jokes over the years. I mean, just look at this ridiculous thing! It’s asking for it. A new video of moronic terrorists training to kidnap Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer featured this most unlikely of terrorist vehicles.

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It seems that our mockery finally pushed the PT Cruiser too far.

A group of none-too-bright white dudes with bad facial hair calling themselves the Wolverine Watchmen had their incredibly bad and dumb plot to kidnap Gov. Whitmer thwarted last week. Fox 17 got its hands on a lot of private materials from the terrorists, including this video of one of the Wolverine’s training sessions. You may recognize the goofy dashboard:

My real question is, where did the PT Cruiser get radicalized? It used to be such a sweet, innocent vehicle. As the favorite car of the Boomer generation, I’m going to guess it was those dastardly YouTube algorithms.

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Serious terrorists tend towards Toyotas, but if you think that’ll swing in Michigan, think again. These guys really imagined themselves to be total badasses and not the sad, unremarkable midwestern schlubs they clearly are even while spilling out of a dumpy old Chrysler vehicle like a bunch of preteens in the parking lot of Bronner’s Christmas Wonderland. From Fox 17:

Among the pages of documents are screenshots of text messages, crudely drawn maps, and videos outlining different scenarios and training exercises.

“Have one person go to her house. Knock on the door and when she answers it just cap her... “ One screenshot reads. The videos threaten the governor and anyone attempting to stop the plot once it’s in action.

Alleged conspirators discuss codes and protocol, demanding changes when one person alerted the group police had questioned a former room mate. Screenshots and pictures show them doing surveillance on properties belonging to Whitmer and plans to stop police from intervening.

Currently, 14 men have been charged in the plot, which involved kidnapping the governor from her vacation home and then leaving her stranded in the middle of Lake Michigan, according to the Detroit Free Press. There was another plan to take her to a different state and put her on trial for “treason.” What inflamed these men’s ire to the point they would risk their pudgy bodies in a revolution? From the Freep:

...the Michigan suspects are part of a larger group of militia members from at least five states who met online and recruited members through social media to help them carry out attacks against government officials. Specifically, he said, the members were upset with Whitmer and Virginia’s governor and had issues with their lockdown orders.

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Whitmer has been criticized by right-wing elements for the strict measures Michigan took in the early days of the COVID-19 outbreak. President Trump, who called Whitmer “that woman from Michigan,” tweeted this in April:

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Michigan was behind only New York and New Jersey for the highest infection rates in the country during the early days of the outbreak, NPR reports. But the state was able to drastically bring down infection rates early this summer thanks to its strict measures. The virus is again on the rise in the state and across the country, and earlier this month the Michigan Supreme Court severely curtailed Whitmer’s emergency powers. While many Michigan counties issued their own mask mandates, the densely populated metro Detroit Trump stronghold of Macomb County did not. What happens next is anyone’s guess.

Managing Editor of Jalopnik.

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DISCUSSION

Not really related to the main point of the article at all, but I know someone who is really deeply in love with PT Cruiser.  She bought one new back when, and she had to let it go for I don’t know why.  But last year, she found a nearly new, purple (raisin color?) one, and bought it without even thinking.  She loves it, claims it to be the best car ever made.  It really takes all kinds, I never ever thought a person can love PT Cruiser so deeply.