The Rolls-Royce Phantom. Image via Rolls-Royce

Rolls-Royce, like most major companies, has a site where it posts press releases to keep media up to date with the goings on in its diamond-encrusted hallways which are spritzed hourly with the milk of a sparkly unicorn, also made of diamonds. They read like the diary of a billionaire’s child who can do no wrong, and it’s lovely.

Rolls’ media site reads so incredibly that it’s hard to imagine an actual human writing it. It’s like the company just put the words “excellence,” “majesty,” “fascinate,” “scintillate” and every other overly pompous -ate and -ence word into an AI program, told it to find as many synonyms as possible for them and then use those to write its press releases. This stuff is as pretentious as you’d expect from a company that put a $52,000 chair into a dealer showroom.

Rolls announced the name of an SUV—sorry, the rich word for that is High Bodied Vehicle—that we’ve all known the name of for more than a year that day, in typical Rolls fashion:

“The name Cullinan has been hiding in plain sight since we revealed it as the project name some years ago,” comments Torsten Müller-Ötvös, Chief Executive Officer of Rolls-Royce.

“Hiding in plain sight” is the classiest way ever to say “old news,” I’ll give him that. Here’s more from our guy Torsten, all emphasis ours:

“It is the most fitting name for our extraordinary new product. Cullinan is a motor car of such clarity of purpose, such flawless quality and preciousness, and such presence that it recalibrates the scale and possibility of true luxury. Just like the Cullinan Diamond, the largest flawless diamond ever found, it emerges when it is perfect and exists above all others.”

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But wait, Rolls-Royce as a company needs to weigh in on its “all-new, high-bodied car that... redefine[s] luxury travel by making it Effortless, Everywhere”:

Like the diamond, the Rolls-Royce Cullinan has undertaken a fascinating journey. From the searing deserts of Africa and the Middle East to the freezing snows of the Arctic Circle; from the grassy glens of the Scottish Highlands to the towering canyons of North America, the designers, engineers, craftspeople and artisans of the House of Rolls-Royce have shaped, tested and polished this unique motor car to eliminate any flaw and make it Effortless, Everywhere.

Effortless, Everywhere. That sounds like a slogan for bad drugstore makeup that looks alright for $5, but makes your face so oily that you’re practically a walking nonrenewable resource.

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Oh, but there’s more:

Cullinan is the second Rolls-Royce to sit atop the company’s recently announced all-new proprietary aluminium spaceframe ‘Architecture of Luxury’. Unique and unequalled in its brilliance, every facet of the Rolls-Royce Cullinan scintillates.

Müller-Ötvös concludes: “Quite simply, the name Cullinan is perfect and brilliant.”

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Rolls had a big day last week, when its new $500,000 Phantom was “praised for offering the ‘Best Supernatural Driving Experience’ in the prestigious GQ Car Awards.” Spoooooky, right? No, the company would like you to think of it as an “other-worldly experience.”

Torsten Müller Ötvös, Chief Executive Officer, Rolls-Royce Motor Cars, said, “Our engineers and designers put in incalculable efforts to make the Phantom the most silent car on the road. From its self-levelling suspension, to its noiseless 6.75-litre V12 engine, the Phantom represents Rolls-Royce’s tireless pursuit of perfection and remains a truly dominant symbol of achievement. We are delighted that its supreme levels of refinement have been recognised by British GQ.” ...

The ‘supernatural’ characteristics of the car are owed in part to its all-new aluminium spaceframe, self-levelling air suspension, 6mm two-layer glazed windows and more than 130kg of sound insulation.

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Spoooooooky suspension you’ve got there, Phantom. Perhaps you’ll start to float soon, or at least make the passengers feel like you are.

Alright, alright. One more. Rolls-Royce, always winning awards for its cars when, really, it’s its writing that is more praiseworthy than pretty much anything else on this planet—it’s other worldly, you might say.

Here’s part of Rolls’ announcement that the Ghost won an arbitrary “best car” award from yet another outlet, What Car?, that actually does “best car” awards:

A panel of highly-esteemed judges from What Car? magazine has once again declared the Rolls-Royce Ghost the best super-luxury car in the world in its most prestigious class: luxury cars over £100,000.

In awarding Ghost Extended Wheelbase the What Car? honour, judges celebrated the motor car’s peerless duality, which combines vibrant driving dynamics with a near-silent and truly cocooning passenger suite.

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And you know you can’t publish a Rolls-Royce press release without the highly esteemed CEO weighing in with his eloquent and enlightening perspectives:

Torsten Müller-Ötvös, Chief Executive, Rolls-Royce Motor Cars, said, “Recognition of Ghost Extended Wheelbase by What Car? further strengthens its standing as the highly-successful entrepreneur’s choice of motor car. Ghost continues to stand for a contemporary and more informal manifestation of the brand and, as such, has become the unequivocal choice of pioneers and tastemakers as they ascend through their fields.”

Ghost Extended Wheelbase’s marriage of the very latest technology and contemporary design has become the consummate motor car for entrepreneurs since its launch in 2011. ... In 2016, Rolls-Royce ... presented a transformative moment in luxury with the introduction of the Black Badge series. This darker design expression and more urgent engineering treatment of Ghost was a truly Bespoke response to a new breed of highly creative and dynamic patrons of luxury.

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What car? This car. This car just got described by a bunch of words you thought humans only used sarcastically.