Illustration for article titled Rolls-Royce Will Make Your Car Ugly As Fuck If You Want It

It's been commonly said that la crème-da-la-crème of carmakers of the world will build you anything you want, as long as you have the money. Thanks to a new report from Bloomberg, we now know that's actually true. Rolls-Royce, at least, will build and change anything your heart desires. Except for two things.


We've actually covered some amazingly tacky Rollers before, like the casino owner who wanted a fleet of vehicles that reflected his intimate desire to own cars whose interiors that resembled Checkers franchises, and the Metropolitan collection, which featured inlays of skylines in case you fear the constant threat of forgetting where you are.


But it turns out those selections may have been a bit, well, boring. In fact, head of Rolls-Royce North America Eric Shepherd actually sounds like he may be challenging his wealthy and kookier clientele:

"Outside of compromising the safety of the car—or disfiguring the Spirit of Ecstasy—we won't say no," he said.

Which in Rolls-Royce world can mean saying yes to mother-of-pearl inlays, crocodile skin seating, rabbit pelt lining, and mahogany trim.

"Yes, I'll take one Rolls-Royce please," a customer probably told the poor, non-judgmental factory workers at Goodwood. "But I want what my bottom feels to remind me of the sweaty, fetid evenings I experienced growing up as a child in the bayou, and the linings to remind me of a lucky bunny foot I swallowed as a fully grown adult. One of those would sound lovely."

But it's not just Rolls handing you a thick stack of leather and paint swatches and telling you to pick one out. They'll do whatever you can dream up.


And it's not just Rolls-Royce that will do you a custom solid, if that's what you really want and have the cash to never have to worry about cash. Bentley (don't forget its original SUV, the Dominator), Aston Martin, Lamborghini, Ferrari, Jaguar Land Rover, and a lot of other small makers will do pretty much anything. Even to the point of making you what basically amounts to a unique vehicle entirely:

Since 2011, Bentley has seen a 70-percent increase in bespoke orders in its Mulliner program, while Aston Martin has gone from 40 to 400 cars since 2012. More than 40 percent of Lamborghini Aventadors were customized last year, while 3 percent of those were specialized to the highest level, becoming basically one-offs, a spokesperson said.


So, dirty, unwashed rabble of the commentariat, dream up your beautiful one-off below. I'll take a Rolls-Royce shooting brake with six wheels, please. And I want those wheels to be tiny, with ENORMOUS sidewalls, because this trend of big wheels and low-profile tires is for the peasantry. But make it easy to access the back seats, and you might as well make my shooting brake have a long wheelbase, too, so that I can recline behind the driver. And give me an integrated Xbox. And I want the leather to be from the finest, fattest cows in all the land, and I want it to be a natural color – and I mean natural, none of that fake orange dye people are pouring on leather nowadays and calling "natural," I want goddamn hairs still poking out of it. And give me that V16 that only Mr. Bean has. And make it look like a Maserati Gran Turismo, because that's just prettier, but sure, you can keep your hood ornament if it means that much to you. And make it great.


Alright Rolls, I think we can start there. We'll come back with more ideas later.

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