Monster Energy—a liquid, drinkable form of YO, STOP LOOKING AT MY GIRL—will become the new sponsor for NASCAR’s top series. That’s right: NASCAR’s next big hauler fight will be brought to you by the fizzy beverage of choice of flat-brimmed roid-bros everywhere. It’s a match made in heaven.
Sprint’s sponsorship of the currently-named NASCAR Sprint Cup runs out at the end of 2016. Taking its place will be Monster Energy, who signed a multi-year sponsorship deal to become the third ever entitlement sponsor of NASCAR’s flagship series. In addition to the naming rights for the Sprint Cup, Monster will now become the sponsor of the NASCAR All-Star Race and will continue its sponsorship of the No. 41 car of Kurt Busch.
NASCAR hopes the youth-oriented brand will sway the hearts and minds of a few of those vape-lovin’ Subaru dudes who are still annoyed that Ken Block started hooning a Ford. Of course, Monster endeared themselves to multiple species of the noble American Bro through constant promotion of their brand and its high-octane eXtReMe!!! sponsored entities—which is something NASCAR could use some help with lately.
Adding to its status as the Official Energy Drink Of “I absolutely think 39s will fit on my truck,” Monster will now be the Official Energy Drink of NASCAR. Part of that means KEEPING THOSE CHEESE-EATING SURRENDER FURRNERS AT RED BULL OFF THEIR LAWN. Per NASCAR’s announcement:
Under the agreement, energy drink sponsors already involved in NASCAR may remain in place. Potential sponsors from the energy drink category will not be eligible for future sponsorship if not already involved in the sport.
THE ENERGY DRINK WARS RAGE ON! MY DIABETES BUBBLES ARE BETTER THAN YOUR DIABETES BUBBLES! BUILD A WALL! KEEP ROCKSTAR OUT!
The exact length and terms of Monster’s deal were not specified in today’s announcement—curiously, including the name of the series itself.
We still don’t know the exact name Monster Energy will give to the top-level ??? Cup series. They may even opt to replace “Cup” in the series name with “Battledome,” for all we know. We’re assuming that the person responsible is probably tweaking in the corner after binge-drinking several Monsters in a row.
Personally, I’m quite fond of “Monster Cup,” as it sounds like an appropriately large device to withhold and protect the chrome bumper testes displayed on many fans’ Monster-themed lifted trucks.
Either way, I welcome NASCAR’s new broverlords. Please stay for the hella sweet tire shreddin’ so awesome they’ll rip your face off and punch you in the whaaaarglgglgkfldf donuts at the end of the race. I just shotgunned five cans of the stuff and I feel fine, personally.
Why is my face tingling? I think I can see time. Hello? Hello?
[Correction: Originally, we said “KEEP NOS OUT!” not realizing that it’s a fellow Monster Beverage drink. Nos may be fine to sponsor whoever they want under NASCAR’s new agreement. This overcaffeinated rambling has since been amended above. Our sincere apologies for not mentioning Cocaine or Pimp Juice instead.]