MAN Expedition Camper, Toyota Starlet, Plymouth Reliant: The Dopest Cars I Found for Sale Online

Sometimes you just want to get away from it all. Other times, you want to get really far away from it all, and be able to live there for an indeterminate period of time. Are you exploring? Camping? Laying low until the heat dies down? If one or more of these applies to you, then I’ve found your vehicle.

This expedition camper is an interesting one. It seems to originate from Tychy, Poland, built by a company called EPO-Trans. This exact camper started its life there, judging by the number plates in the listing and Polish article, but the Craigslist seller claims to have imported it in compliance with all Customs, DOT, and EPA regulations.

Look, flames just make things go faster. It’s science. The Ducati Scrambler 1100, while not slow to begin with, certainly got an extra helping of speed from this paint job.

This bike had the Jalopnik staff split. Kyle Hyatt, resident west coaster, admiringly said the Ducati was “fully primed for ripping dank nooners.” Lalita Chemello, resident Scrambler owner, disagreed: “Who would do that, to a Ducati?!?” What do you think? Does this bike rock or suck?

I know, there was another Citreon recently on Dopest Cars. But that one wasn’t an immaculate blue and white wagon with yellow headlights and white steel wheels with chrome hubcaps. I’m willing to admit when I’ve found something better, and this is most certainly better.

This Citroen has been “completely restored,” and it looks factory fresh. The seats are both blue and plaid! It’s the perfect color combo, inside and out. What more could you want from a vehicle?

Well, okay, maybe ground clearance. Luckily for you, I’ve got you covered. Same colors, same shine on the wheels, but now with a bit more height — and the white roof comes off, letting you soak up the sun from between those baby blue doors.

This Bronco was also restored, with everything from a new 302 engine to an updated bluetooth radio. The hubs lock, the steering’s powered, and the dashboard dashes. Wait. Does it? Do dashboards get a verb?

“Custom built vintage Corvair powered Dune Buggy,” this ad begins. It’s unclear if this is a vintage dune buggy, powered by a Corvair drivetrain, or simply any dune buggy, powered by a vintage Corvair drivetrain. Let’s eat Grandma.

The buggy itself, however, has apparently not run under current ownership. It once had a license plate, and still carries a title (though one has to wonder what it’s titled as) and includes “all parts not seen in the pictures.” I cannot imagine what those parts are. Parts of a Corvair? More parts to this buggy, specifically? Parts of the Truth video, from critically acclaimed video game Assassin’s Creed II? The world may never know.

Look. I’m a sucker for blue vintage cars, okay? What modern car comes in this sort of robin’s-egg blue that was so common back in the seventies? The Fiat 500 offered it for a minute, before Fiat offed it in the United States. What’s left?

No, our vintage color needs go to vintage cars, like this ‘74 Javelin. Sure, it’s an automatic, but it’s a style symbol. Those old Javelins looked good.

Ceci n’est pas une Subaru. Despite the headlights, grille, and bumper looking like they’re straight off a third-gen Legacy, this is a Toyota. At least that makes the Daihatsu rear a little more sensical.

The key is that this Starlet is an imported Toyota, foreign to our shores and to our eyes. The seller claims it handles like a go kart, and with aftermarket adjustable coilovers lifting the car over Integra wheels I believe it.

Tank? Metallic painted. Tail section? Color-matched. Exhaust? High-mounted. Twin? V. Aw yeah, it’s flat track time.

This Harley started life as an FXR, but now more resembles the FTR1200 with its flat track style. Under-appreciated detail? The forks, done up in a deep purple rather than the standard, done-to-death gold. Am I looking at bikes with gold forks, currently? Hey, listen. Shut up.

Vintage greens, too, hit me right. This Studebaker is more or less wearing Fender’s Surf Green, just slightly desaturated. Or maybe that’s just the weird, gray, glitchy photo.

Bad photos or no, a two-door Studebaker in sixties green is a truly good car. The seller claims under 35,000 miles, and no rust on the chassis. If you buy it, though, you have to promise to maintain it just as well.

When I was a kid, I had a dream. One forged in the heat and sound of the Lebanon Valley Dragway. It was an impractical dream, a weird dream, but aren’t those always the best? The dreams that can only barely be achieved?

That dream was to make a drag-prepped hearse. Admittedly, with a bit of money, and skill, and a welder, that’s probably eminently doable. But I have about half of one of those, so this Cadillac Hearse will remain forever unlaunched by my hands. A travesty.

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the early aughts are so hot right now. Wide-legged jeans, light wash denim, Britney Spears in the news and a bucket hat on every head. Backstreet’s back, alright, and you need a vehicle that can fit all five of those boys.

This Hummer limo ought to do the trick, with its chromed bull bar and multi-piece wheels. Sure, it needs a transmission, but surely you can find one from some lesser, smaller Hummer H2. This limo deserves to ride again.

I’m so tired of black Defenders. Oh, you took a boxy SUV and you painted it black, to look more menacing or masculine or like it should be chasing down James Bond. How original of you. Give us more colorful cars, and give us more bright red Defenders.

Of course, this isn’t just any bright red Defender. This Rover is English-built, Italian-modified, and spent its early life in the hands of an olive farmer in fair Verona (where we lay our scene). It’s off-road ready, lifted and armored, but has aftermarket sound deadening on the interior to make your experience a little more upscale.

Diesel motorcycles are largely terrible. But don’t you want to find that out for yourself, from a seat perched atop 584 ccs of diesel-powered thumper? The M1030M1 is a Kawasaki KLR650, modified for the military to run on diesel fuel. If you don’t want to blend in with every GS and KTM on your next trail ride, this is the bike for you.

Sure, it may not make all the sweet sweet horsepower of a 1250 flat-twin, but it makes up for that with abundant torque. It may also only hit 85 mph, but do you want to go faster than that on knobby tires? You’ll still be the cool kid of the bunch at your next ADV meeting, outside the local Starbucks.

We’re reaching the era where cars from the eighties can now be barn finds. Whenever I picture a vehicle lying in wait, under ratty cloth beneath a ramshackle, leaking barn roof, it’s always something old — a GT40, or an old stock car. But, sometimes, you pull that cloth back and find this — an early eighties k-car.

This Plymouth Reliant claims to be a barn find from one year ago, rescued after 20 years in eastern Ohio. It’s been restored to its former base-model Plymouth... glory(?) without power steering or brakes. If that’s what you’re into, go with god.

Sure, this is one of the more expensive Mercury Grand Marquis you’re likely to see. But remember, we’re in the era of RADwood — that ‘80s to ‘90s sweet spot is hot. Plus, this old FoMoCo family hauler claims under 23,000 original miles — you can’t pass that up.

An eight-figure price tag may seem high to some, but I don’t think you can afford not to pick this up. Think about how it’ll cross the line at Sotheby’s in ten years. That’ll pull in 20, 30 million easily. Do you want to miss out on a chance to get in at the ground floor?