Ford Is My Dad Now

Illustration for article titled Ford Is My Dad Now

Growing up a nerd, I was never really interested in sports until I got to high school. I’ve always been a large dude, and I barely understood how to run plays, so naturally I folded into the big dumb lineman crew that all of my coaches found served the team best from the bench. I never touched the football in practice, and I was forbidden from even looking at it during games. I think I owned one, but I mostly kept it on a pedestal in my bedroom. I could only dream of one day throwing it. Thankfully Ford is here to show this 32-year-old football dum-dum how to throw a tight spiral.


I can’t believe I’ve gone my entire adult life without ever committing this vital life skill to memory. My parents failed to prepare me for a life of constantly needing to throw spirals. I might be a more successful adult if I weren’t throwing wobbly long balls. Maybe I’d love myself more if I could do more than shuffle pass a 10 footer. Luckily the brands are here to make me a better man.

Thanks Ford! Maybe you’ll come visit some time? You went out for a pack of sedans a decade ago, and I haven’t seen you since. Where have you been?

Maybe, if I’m lucky, Dodge will teach me how to perfect my golf swing and Infiniti will teach me which spoon to use first at a fancy dinner party. Help me brands! I’m a failure.

Jalopnik contributor with a love for everything sketchy and eclectic.



“Infiniti will teach me which spoon to use first at a fancy dinner party”

They would, but Infiniti is that guy who pretends to be fancy but has working class roots due to it being a tarted up Nissan.

- Ex Infiniti (tarted up Nissan) owner with working class roots