All right, gentlemen. Listen up.
This is where we separate the men from the boys.
These ain't your grandpa's roads anymore.
These here roads are big, tough, brutal, and wild as they are rickety. And they are populated with a different kind of prey. A bigger, meaner, faster, and yet equally pointless kind of prey. Cayennes, Q7s, and now this: The BMW X6M. It is a big, portly beast, but with a heart of turbo and an iDrive brain. Mr. Roboto, each your heart out.
These new prey will challenge you in every imaginable way, forcing you think harder, work harder, and play harder. They are frequently driven by the most pms-powered soccer moms known to man, and a new, dangerous breed of asshole men that think themselves kings of the road. They are fast. Extremely fast. And they are unnaturally agile, despite their size. But, like all big, portly beasts, they thirsty. Extremely thirsty. And there are only so many gas stations and only so many offramps to get to them.
This ain't kindergarten anymore, and there is roads are a much scarier, faster place than they used to be. We are going to have work hard and earn every inch of the road, and defend what we take to the bitter end. It will be no walk in the park, but if we stick together, work together, and think together, we can triumph.
Remember, we are the owners of the road, lane to lane, from sea to shining sea.
The strategy is simple.
-We must hypermile the hell out of our hybrids, blocking every conceivable path from Point A to Point B driving at a leisurely 55 mph in every lane.
-We must fill up at every possible opportunity, and block the gas dispensers from there unholy thirst.
-We must brake way too early, and accelerate way too slowly, in order to prevent them from getting the idea that they own the goddamn road.
-We must out smug them with our fuel-sipping ways, and laugh smugly in their faces at their fury and frustration.
Now, they may ride your ass all the way to work, they may flash their brights in your eyes, and they may do their damndest to cut you off, but never let them intimidate you. This is war.
Remember, though face these pricks at every commute, we fear no evil, for we walk the path of self righteousness.
Let battle of the douchebags begin.