DeSoto Firelite, Mercedes C63 AMG, Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow: The Dopest Cars I Found for Sale Online

We’re starting off strong here on the deals front. A DeSoto Firelite isn’t something you see every day, let alone one that costs less than $7,000. It even runs, according to the seller, though the fuel tank may hide horrors beyond our current scientific capacity. But is that really any worse than the shoddy contrast on a Walmart doorbuster TV?

Unfortunately, this is a Firelite — not a Firelight, the hoverboard-riding, mask-wearing freedom fighters from the fantastic Netflix series Arcane. If I could get my hands on one of those boards, I would forego every car in exchange. Even if the blades are pitched for the thicker air of the Fissures.

The Jalopnik staff has a lot of opinions about the Corvette and its various generations and iterations. You, conveniently, can ignore all that debate and skip to the best one: The C6. Fight me in the comments.

Or don’t fight me, and just buy this seemingly mint ‘08 Vette. The paint looks immaculate, the interior looks factory-fresh, and the terrible gaudy chrome wheels are still terrible and gaudy. I’m sure you can fix that, though. Is Volk running any Black Friday deals?

No, this is not the venerable 9-2x Aero. This is a 9-3 Turbo X, a not-at-all confusing name for an admittedly better car than the old Saabaru. Six cylinders, one turbo, four driven wheels, and a limited(ish)-slip rear differential — all on tri-spoke wheels! Weird Car Twitter, eat your heart out.

Or, put your heart back on the plate, and just buy this Saab. It’s listed for under six grand in Queens, NY, which the seller claims makes it the only 9-3 Turbo X for sale on the East Coast right now. I’m not going to drive down every road on the Eastern seaboard scanning driveways for Saabs with For Sale signs to verify, but know that these cars don’t come around every day.

Nor do these — drag-prepped, race-ready muscle cars. Despite the rear window sticker that demands viewers “Dare to be different,” this Comet features a relatively traditional setup — a small-block Chevy up front, a Turbo 350 transmission in the middle, and a rear suspension that looks downright eager to wheelie.

The Comet body itself, I suppose, is more unique than your average Camaro or Mustang. As is the claimed “brand new paint job,” which looks to have all the care and detail of a factory finish — rather than just a quick Maaco job to slap some vinyl over.

Speaking of paint jobs, why don’t more cars come with random teal graphics down the side? This is one of the gravest issues facing the automotive world right now. We all complain that modern cars are too boring in their gray and white and silver paint, but this Toyota Pickup proves that white can still be interesting — you just need to add some decals.

As a bonus, beneath that teal swoop, there’s a truck! An incredibly clean one at that, with undercarriage photos that show minimal surface rust and zero structural rot. It’s a museum-quality piece, all for under $24,000.

Look, after Thanksgiving you’re going to want some time to yourself. All the family, the plus-ones, the noise and stress and awkward conversations — it’s just too much. You need a break, and you deserve to take it from the seat of a round-the-world adventure bike.

The BMW GS invented the adventure motorcycle, and many will tell you that it’s never been beaten in the segment. You could have all that freedom for the cost of a Best Buy holiday haul. C’mon, do you really need that new TV and the fresh PC build?

This Blazer is imperfect. The headliner is sagging, the heater core’s gone bad, and the rear differential is welded for reasons I cannot fathom. Was someone trying to drift this Blazer? Is this a practice mssile?

If so, it should at least have the power to slide. The engine is out of a later Chevy, and it’s been paired to an Edelbrock four-barrel carburetor and a massive air cleaner. The aftermarket tachometer may be odd in a truck, but at least it would make sense at Englishtown — or Ebisu.

This Quest includes a roof box and a 2" hitch receiver, making it possibly the most storage a person can buy for less than $4,000. The interior is fully camp-prepped, with storage bins and a makeshift bed that basically turn this ‘90s Nissan into an Instagram-ready van-life build.

Sure, there are body panels held together with duct tape, but at least it’s color-matched. Plus, the included maintenance records mean the van is at least mechanically sound — if not cosmetically perfect. What more could you want for $3,800?

The only defect I can spot on this Honda S2000 is the front license plate bracket. Everything else, from the paint to the seats to the wheels, looks absolutely perfect — ready for another owner to take it out to the canyons. Of course, that level of cleanliness should be expected for the car’s mere 33,000 miles. It’s a baby, barely broken-in.

The S2000 also holds a vaunted title, one I’ve personally given it: World’s Greatest Seating Position. I’ve never even gotten a chance to drive one of these roadsters, but merely sitting in the driver’s seat shows you how other cars should be built. Mazda, Lotus, everyone else should take notes.

If the Quest wasn’t quite decked-out enough for you, we’ve got the apex of van-life luxury: the Mercedes-Benz Sprinter. This one’s been fully converted, with a kitchen and bedroom and tile walls in the bath, and those upgrades don’t come cheap. Yet, this van just had its price reduced by $15,000 — that’s a Black Friday deal right there.

My guess is the van-life market is cooling down, as Instagram moves on to literally anything else. I wouldn’t be surprised if more and more of these start popping up on Craigslist and Facebook Marketplace, abandoned by their clout-hungry prior owners. For anyone looking to sate that adventurous urge, the discounts are coming.

The seller of this Harley listed the model as an FLSTC, which I’m sure means something very important to the bar-and-shield faithful. I, however, will continue calling it a Heritage Softail, because that’s what it’s called. I once again invite you to fight me.

This Softail is a cruiser in the truest sense of the term, with high bars and forward controls (on floorboards, no less) that make the bike perfect for sitting back and taking in the scenery. And yes, of course the included luggage has studs. What did you expect?

Don’t be fooled by this Mustang’s appearance — it’s not a true Shelby. This car was “cloned to GT350 modifications,” meaning you’ll get all the performance that was Carroll’s business without paying for his name. Of course, someone wrote that brand-name check, according to the seller’s claims of “$100,000 in Parts and Restoration,” but the $69,500 price tag means you don’t have to make the same mistake.

Much like the van-life vans, I expect to see more of these exacting replicas hit the market in the coming years too. Millennials and Zoomers just don’t have the sort of rose-colored Shelby nostalgia glasses that drive someone to shell out this kind of money. If you’re interested in tribute cars, you’re in luck — it’s a buyer’s market.

This C63 AMG ad is an interesting look into the state of California and all its contrasts and contradictions. Someone buys a tuned C63 AMG, a fuel-sucking performance monster, then immediately replaces it with a Tesla. They flash the car for 500 horsepower and install a limited-slip differential, but re-tune it for smog clearance. Balance, in all things.

Of course, that smog-legal tune means that this AMG is actually open to California buyers, unlike so many modified cars. No need to worry about reinstalling stock parts, getting your airbox back in place and cats all reattached for inspection. Just flash a tune, and it seems you’ll be good.

There’s something about an old, beige Rolls. The person inside is wealthy beyond your wildest comprehension, and they’re ostentatious enough to wear the Spirit of Ecstasy on their brow. But, at the same time, it’s beige — the color of boring, of banal, of the Camry. This is an old money, ancient money car.

Except, you don’t need old money to buy it. All you’ll need is $19,000, and the ability to decipher exactly what’s wrong with this car from this ad. First person to translate “brake light on front drive tires is leaking brake fluid” into a sensical shop diagnosis gets a cookie.

As is to be expected from any ad asking six figures for a replica of an old car, the listing for this American Speed ‘33 Ford is written entirely in capital letters. The seller seems to think they’re doing us all a favor on the pricing here, claiming the car was appraised in 2014 at $185,000 and can’t be replicated for less than $250,000. By those metrics, $145,000 is a steal.

But, there’s still our most basic law of capitalism to consider here: Supply and demand. This seller has the supply, but demand for these high-budget replicas must be incredibly low. The appeal of these old hot-rods is the early tuner culture, people buying whatever cheap two-door they could get their hands on and fixing it up to win street races. When you spend six figures to have a professional replicate the aesthetics of that time, plus a bunch of modern accoutrement, you’ve strayed from the spirit that made hot rods interesting in the first place. Sure, the aesthetics of classic roadsters and chop-top coupes are neat, but I won’t be busting down any doors to buy one at this price.