Base Ford Edge Faster Than Edge Sport

MotorTrend found a lighter jellybean with a smaller engine is faster than a heavier jellybean with a larger engine. [MotorTrend]

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Okay, this weight thing. I think we've been over this about 2.5 million times by now.

But apparently we need to go over this again. So, here we go:

Premise 1:

Contemporary cars are dramatically heavier than their predecessors.

This is true.

Premise 2:

Older cars are the awesomeness in an aluminum can and are way better and faster and more efficient and handle better because they are lighter.

I would insert a facepalm picture right here, but I can't. I kind of miss being able to do that. So, since I can't do that, I'll compromise with the following vehement exclamation: Bullshit.

That's right, you heard me. Bullshit.

If premise one is true, then its inverse must also be true, meaning that older cars are, in fact lighter. As a general rule, this is true. But that doesn't make them the awesomeness in an aluminum cam. That makes them the automotive equivalent of aluminum cans: Small, easily crushed, and possessing limited frame rigidity/torsional strength/etc.

Old cars do not possess the chassis strength of modern cars. They do not possess the safety features mandated in modern cars. Their engines are not only less efficient in every sense of the term, they are also less powerful. In general, they had lighter drivetrains because they were smaller, less advanced drivetrains. They have absolutely none of the creature comforts and modern amenities that we demand from cars in this day and age.

No power windows? No disc brakes? No power steering? No ABS? No traction control? Only three-speed transmissions? Lower-grade steel? No leather seats? No airbags (other than the one driving the car)? No seatbelts? No radio? No air conditioning? No fuel injection?

How did anyone ever live without any of that!? Oh, and fuck you Dodge for still putting rear drums on the Avenger. They are old technology, albeit lighter in weight. But if you did put disc brakes in, we would deride you for adding things that make your cars heavier and heavier.

So, now that I've somewhat sardonically explained why modern cars are heavier, let's move on to the next part: Modern cars are faster, handle better, are more efficient in every sense of the term, are dramatically more comfortable, are easy to drive, possess much more in the way of safety features, and are much more powerful than their predecessors.

Oh, and they manage to do all of that while being heavier than their predecessors.

Pretty damn impressive, if you ask me.

So pull your head out of your poop chutes, and make up your mind: do you want a strictly lightweight car that has none of the amenities you've come to expect and demand in a modern car and has inferior all-around performance to a modern car, or do you want a modern car that is heavier because it has a butt warmer and all the other amenities that you refuse to buy a car without and has all-around superior performance?

We all know that modern cars are heavier. We should also know why, and thus know better than to bitch about something that we can't yet change.

Moving on...