Auto Trade and eHarmony: Two Internet Lovers

Illustration for article titled Auto Trade and eHarmony: Two Internet Lovers

Like any other automotive enthusiast, I am sure you hop online late at night, and always accidentally end up on Auto Trader after strictly promising yourself just a quick check of Car Town and then straight to bed.

But that rarely, if ever, happens. Instead you get caught into perusing the inner depths of the Internet, ending up on eBay, Yahoo Autos, and the crack-like Craigslist, searching for the perfect set of wheels; those deals we know are too good to be true.

Then there are those who are still looking for that special someone to ride shotgun with them, someone to join and come along on any automotive adventure that may arise. But don't despair, the trusty Internet has a special site to fill that search as well; they call it eHarmony.


You simply input what you are looking for; height, hair color, likes and dislikes, make, model, age, and mileage, and away you go on your search. You will quickly notice some ads are more than a few dollars out of your price range, while others will leave you missing the solid dependability of a mutually rewarding relationship. Some have photos posted; maybe not world class Car and Driver pics, but pics none-the-less, while others are pic-less. Granted, getting a quick glance at what you are interested in always helps pull you in for a closer look.

The ads that do catch your fancy, the ones that meet all, well most of your criteria – because you were honestly searching for a 1965 Ford F100 – you press on to further investigate. You skim the ad, looking for those key words that hint at something special; low mileage, perfect age, solid body, and still running strong. You shoot an email to the advertiser, hoping you are not too late. The following day you open your email and right there smack-dab at the top of your inbox is a reply. . You click it, nervous for the "Sorry, but it's sold," but instead the email says, "Yes, I still have it." You sigh and quickly respond back, bouncing emails off one another as you set up a time to meet, and a test drive; the true answer to all your questions.

The day comes when you are supposed to meet, and as the time draws closer you pray he doesn't cancel at the last possible minute. He can't, this is more than you expect, more than you were even looking for, all seeming too good to be true. Then there's doubt that maybe the pictures weren't completely honest, maybe there was a hidden blemish, or the description was misleading at it doesn't actually fire on all cylinders like it should.

You pull up and she takes your breath away, your heart quickening. She is drop dead gorgeous; a stellar body, with all the right curves in all of the right places. Maybe this won't be too bad, you think. You walk up, performing the usual formalities of introductions and "how ya doin's" as you begin your little date, your first test drive. You slip in and the engine fires right up with a peppy, deep, grumble, proving there is more than just good looks going on here.


You take off and before you even leave the driveway your heart is already falling fast and hard. The personality is beyond what you expected, so lively and responsive, yet smooth around the edges. You are comfortable, even for just meeting a few moments ago; you both seem to have known each other for years, almost like riding a bicycle. A quick trip around town and your heart yearns for the two of you to go home together for a little bonding time in the garage, maybe even spend some time under the hood if you are lucky.

You're polite and fill her up before you take her back. You don't want to return her on an empty stomach; that is just rude and chivalry goes a long way with someone her age. You pull in nice and slow, nervous about what happens next. You sit there awkwardly as if the evening never happened, and everything the two of you experienced was left on some back country road. You say your goodbyes to one another, and your heart aches a little as you feel few emotions from her in the driveway, cold and stern and unmoving without you driving her. You reluctantly take off, unsure of your next meeting, and glance in your mirror as she grows smaller and smaller, until you turn the corner and she is gone forever.


This piece was written and submitted by a Jalopnik reader and may not express views held by Jalopnik or its staff. But maybe they will become our views. It all depends on whether or not this person wins by whit of your eyeballs in our reality show, "Who Wants to be America's Next Top Car Blogger?"

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I've heard plenty of analogies between cars and women, but this takes it to a pretty creepy place.

Grade: C-

The vibe I get from this article is that it's being told by Hannibal Lecter. It takes objectifying women to a whole new level, and I'm pretty sure that if I were to forward this article to Jezebel they would just outright explode.

Well written, but... just creepy, man. Creepy.