All NASCAR Commentary Should Be As Good As This Nonsensical TV Bot

Photo credit: Brian Lawdermilk/Getty Images; phrase quoted from TV Helper

You, dear reader, may or may not like NASCAR. That’s fine. I’ve found a wonderful place that explains it in no detail with no sense. Think of it as a Waltrip brother as heard through a garbage disposal, except written out in all its glorious weirdness. Meet TV Helper, the world’s best motorsport commentator.

TV Helper describes itself as “a bot that watches live broadcast TV and improves it with new dialogue,” and it has been live-tweeting some bits of today’s Xfinity Series race at Phoenix Raceway—the first Dash 4 Cash race of the year.


While isn’t a real address for anything, TV Helper still makes more sense than a lot of NASCAR’s confusing rules changes this year.

I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this exact line on forums about various feeder and development series, such as the NASCAR Xfinity Series. Makes a racer of go-kart! Fine pursuit.


Clearly, TV Helper familiar with the 2017 contact rules and possibly last weekend’s big Kyle Busch vs. Joey Logano spat, too. During today’s race, Austin Dillon was parked for intentionally wrecking Cole Custer under yellow as well. Timely!


Speaking of timely, I heard it snowed in New York! So topical and on point! Put those splitters to good use.


Here’s Brendan Gaughan becoming a passenger along for the ride in his own No. 62 race car. It kind of looks like a cab. I see the vision! It’s so clear to me now! I understand the ever-changing Dash 4 Cash like never before!


Y’all can keep Jeff Gordon. I’m never listening to the regular commentary again.

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About the author

Stef Schrader

Contributor, Jalopnik. 1984 "Porschelump" 944 race car, 1971 Volkswagen 411 race car, 2010 Mitsubishi Lancer GTS.