Honda Stepwagon, Case Excavator, Ford Weed Ambulance: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online

This one comes courtesy of Jalopnik’s own José Rodríguez Jr. Sure, this TDM (presumably pronounced like the Netflix noise) may not have the spoked-wheel offroad prowess of modern adventure bikes, but let’s be honest — you’re not buying it for that, you’re buying it for touring. Or sports. Sport touring. Someone should make a segment of motorcycles for that.

Carbed bikes of a certain age are always a fraught purchase, but this one claims a recent rebuild. It’s had its battery and fork seals changed out too, and claims a fresh oil change — it shouldn’t need much more to be a reliable daily driver and road tripper.

Four-cylinder Mustangs are cool. Maybe that’s a hot take, but the Ecoboost was dominant for years in SCCA autocross — clearly there’s something good there. I admit, the old SVOs aren’t exactly modern turbo systems, but they do look rad as hell. I think that counts for a lot.

Imagine getting this, throwing an EcoBoost under that angular hood, and pairing retro looks with modern sututu. Also, modern horsepower. A Focus RS doubles the factory horsepower of the SVO — imagine how that’d feel in a Fox.

The day I don’t include a kei truck in Dopest is the day one of you should put a hit out on me. Clearly, I have been replaced by some nefarious doppelganger, hell-bent on using my esteemed platform for a plot of the utmost evil. Something involving... cars? And blogging? Y’know, the world’s great evils.

I admit, this particular Minicab is rough. It’s dented, rusted, missing its doors, its tires are flat — there’s not a whole lot of car left there. And yet, can anyone really say it’s not enough? It gets you to work, hauls mulch home from Lowes, and keeps your hair out of the rain.

But, fiiiiine, if you’re some sort of prima donna who needs little luxuries like “doors” in your daily driver, I guess I can throw in a truck that has those. The seller claims it’s “butt ugly” with “lots of patina,” but that doesn’t really show through in the singular listing photo. Maybe that’s why there’s only one photo, actually.

For $500, how bad could it possibly be? It needs a transmission, but nobody’s perfect. How did the truck get from the location of the ad’s single photo to the location of its single video without a working drivetrain? Honestly, that’s a great question.

Do you love the Honda CR-V, but wish it was more of a Volkswagen Westfalia? Do you love the Westy, but wish you could hang out with the all the cool kids at the Honda meets? My incredibly specific, likely imaginary friend, do I have the deal of a lifetime for you: This REO Stepwagon.

It looks like a sort of Borzoi of CR-Vs, plus a pop-top camper in the roof and a set of truly gorgeous wheels. The seats in the rear fold totally flat for sleeping, while the camper up top has room for someone smaller to curl up — it’s a two-bedroom camper van. Can your Sprinter do that?

I’ve put plenty of old trucks in the vaunted slides of Dopest — their slab sides and square sealed beams hit a part of my heart . Similarly, I’ve thrown plenty of prerunners in here, with their wide fender flares and long-travel suspensions. It’s easy to dream, when you see one, of ripping through dunes in the California desert.

This truck, then, is targeted at Me Specifically. A boxy old Ford decked out with all the accoutrement you’d want from a dune-eating off-roader — I am powerless against its charms. It’s even yellow, my second-favorite color for motor vehicles. If it were purple, I’d already be in talks with the seller.

Speaking of vehicles whose charms I’m powerless against, we have one of my all-time favorite motorcycles: The Husqvarna 701 Enduro. I’ll give you a bit of a story here — after crashing my bike offroad in Massachusetts, I waited a week to bring the BMW back to Brooklyn. When I finally did, after my concussion had healed a bit more, I made it all the way to the entryway of my bike garage without incident. Upon arriving, I was cut off by a cyclist, and immediately dropped the GS again.

With three people lifting, that fully-loaded bike was still a pain to pick up. After I parked it, I immediately hopped on to Marketplace to start browsing for Huskies. They’re so much lighter, so much more compact, they must be easier to lift after an embarrassing zero-mph drop. Turns out, I still can’t afford them. If you can, though, godspeed.

Back in my #WagonMafia days, after I’d gotten bored of the whole “having cargo space and four driven wheels” deal, I started shopping for S2000s. I found a beautiful one in Florida, this same shade of Suzuka Blue Metallic with a gorgeous tan interior. It wasn’t until I visited the forums, and discovered that Suzuka Blue was never even offered with a tan interior, that I noticed something was up.

This S2000, however, is a proper factory-offered spec. Blue outside, blue inside, the way God and Soichiro intended. Is it a little much? Maybe! But you likely won’t run into another blue-on-blue roadster in your daily life. There’s something appealing about uniquity, isn’t there?

The ad for this TL is, understandably, focused on the included audio equipment. I honestly couldn’t tell you how this all even fits inside the midsize sedan, but the seller (as translated by Facebook) says everything is included. The biggest drivers appear to be 12-inch Eighteen Sound MB700s,, while at least some of the smaller ones are PRV 3220Ph models. There’s mention of B&C DS115s, though without a driver size specified, as well as something else that Facebook’s translate seems to have butchered. If I had to venture a guess, it’s another speaker.

Can you imagine showing up to a cookout with this thing? Fire up the filthy grill at your local park, crank this thing up, and get some tunes going? You’d be the coolest guy at the party. Also, every other party would hate you. Worth it, though, to hear that Tear You Apart/Bela Lugosi’s Dead mashup that’s been stuck in my head for weeks at proper ear-shattering volumes.

I realize this is a kind of Ford-heavy Dopest. That wasn’t intentional — I considered going all-Ford, but decided against it. There are simply too many interesting Fords for sale near me. This isn’t even the last one, since we still haven’t gotten to the Weed Ambulance. I swear that’s still coming.

I know the Bronco II is less beloved than the OG — Ford never seems to have luck with vehicle sequels — but I have more time for it. It’s compact, and the rear windows extend onto the roof. That’s weird enough for me. The blue and tan combo is just a bonus.

Normally I shy away from listings without a set price, but you all know how much I love a garbage old Volkswagen. The seller of this Rabbit bought it with the intent to make it roadworthy — meaning it already wasn’t — and then let it fall into neglect for an indeterminate amount of time. Now, the little pickup doesn’t even turn over. It’s perfect.

Once you do get it to turn over, you’ll have a diesel mill backed up with a five-speed stick shift. The bright green paint looks extremely rattlecanned, as all old VWs should be, and the wheels are color-matched to the bed cap (white, but dirty). This is the ideal spec for these cars.

Whenever I’m browsing the Vehicles section of Marketplace, I’m always on the lookout for things that could be registered for street use — y’know, vehicles. But, thinking about it, that’s a reductive view. E-bikes are vehicles, and you can’t register those. Tanks are vehicles, and most jurisdictions would probably take umbrage with you showing up to the DMV in one with the hope of getting plates. The term vehicle is, truly, broader than we give it credit for.

So why can’t an excavator be a dope car? It’s a diesel, which we all love. It’s an ’80s model with patina, so it fits right in with the tradition of squared-off work trucks that have graced these hallowed slides. It’s only $12,000, which just feels like less money than an excavator should cost. It’s probably a steal! Please try to register this at your local DMV, and email me with your results.

This is a villain car in the best way. Low, long, blacked-out and intimidating, this Brougham can put the fear of God in any passerby unlucky enough to catch their reflection in its paint. Yet, inside, it’s downright peaceful - the vast expanses of green leather could fool you into thinking you’re in the woods.

The Caddy apparently runs, though the seller claims a carb clean wouldn’t hurt it. It also needs tires, and in their absence you’ll need a tow truck to go pick it up. I saw it’s worth the needed repairs — who doesn’t want to play the villain every once in a while?

I feel like International doesn’t get the love it deserves. Owning one in 2023 feels a bit like shooting film — you have to go a little out of your way to do it, and it’ll always be less convenient for you, but there’s something so appealing about doing something that’s a little unique. Internationals are off the beaten path.

An old Ford or Chevy was built by a company that’s still around — you can, theoretically, turn to people for parts and advice. An International? You’ve got forums until they’re supplanted by Discord, and then you’re on your own. Yet, for that face — that sense of being one cuil away from the other classic trucks — it’s worth it.

Sometimes, there’s a weed emergency. There is either too much or too little of the devil’s lettuce, and only a trained professional can possibly hope to right the situation. Clearly, that professional needs transport befitting their station. Look no further.

Of all the ads this week, this is the one to click through to. I don’t want to spoil the interior of this vehicle for you by describing it, but know that it’s better than you’re expecting. No, better than that. Okay, maybe not that far.