These Are The Unbreakable Rules Of Air Travel

Recently, a woman created an online firestorm over line etiquette when she was caught on social media refusing to move up in line because “It’s the same if I move now or later.”

Look, she not wrong but holy shit there is no reason to deny already frustrated fellow travelers the psychological gratification of moving up the goddamn line. Traveling is already a practice of hurry up and wait, be it in luggage drop off, security, boarding or the first spot in the terminal open with coffee. Moving forward will at least release a bit of that pent up steam.

You know you’re going to need your ticket and ID ready to roll at bag drop. You know you’re going to need those same documents when you end up in security. Fumbling for them last minute will earn well-deserved ire and wrath from your fellow travelers and turn up the temperature needlessly on an already tense situation.

Nowadays, anything can happen at security depending on what machines are available. You might be able to keep your shoes on, you might need to take them off. You might be able to leave your laptop or tablet in your bag, it might need a separate tray. The best way to know is actually listen to what the equally frustrated, underpaid, Transportation Security Administration officers are shouting—you know, the same instructions since their shift started at 5 a.m.

Are you taking off your shoes when you don’t have to? That’s a demerit on your traveler’s report card. Fumbling with a laptop when you could leave it in your bag? Congratulations, your fellow travelers are trying their hardest to light you on fire with their minds just in case epic levels of frustration caused them to develop pyrokinesis.

There are never enough seats after security for everyone to put their travel lives back together. When I recently flew to California, I saw one couple take up two seats for their carry-ons, and then a seat each to put on their shoes. Once their shoes were on, they lingered in front of the seats chatting about what overpriced underwhelming breakfast they’d pick up in the terminal. If looks could kill I’d be on the hook for a double homicide right now, and no jury in the world would convict me.

You are allowed to take up space, but how much space and where is important. No one wants to try and shove their shoes back on while standing and trying to balance their carry on and documentation. There are plenty of places to sit in the terminal or near your gate. These seats are for one purpose only. Re-shod yourself, and then make like a tree and leave.

Oh, and a little bonus tip from a cranky old woman: Wear actual shoes with socks to the airport. No one wants to see your bare feet flapping along what has got to be the dirtiest floor on God’s green Earth not found in a New York subway station. This how you get flesh eating bacteria, people!

If you’re in an airport, I want you to take a quick look around. What do you see? That’s right! Other human beings being humans. As Fran Lebowitz said about New York, the same goes for airports; pretend its a place where there are a lot of people (‘cause there are!). And it’s your job to pay attention to where you’re going, where you’re stopping, and how you’re affecting the flow of foot traffic.

Standing around looking like a lost little puppy in the middle of a busy thoroughfare should be grounds for at least a citizen’s arrest in less stressful places, like a mall or a festival, let alone in a stressed out, harried world of the airport terminal. Speed walking through crowded news stands and shops in the terminal is also a no-no.

I once watched a woman with a dog at Detroit Metro let the little tyke out of its Burberry carrier just so it could leave a puddle of pee behind a garbage can. She then gathered the pup up and moved off as if she hadn’t just allowed her overpriced mutt to soil the grounds around the gate.

But you don’t have to have to be carrying a living breathing creature with you to make a mess. Coffee cups, food wrappers and forgotten napkins can litter seats that are meant for another few thousand people throughout the day.

This also goes for carry ons. Seats at the gate in short supply? Then the roller you should have checked already doesn’t need to take up the space in front of an empty chair. Compact your self and your shit. It’s good practice for what comes next.

When you’re out of your element, it can feel like you against the world. It’s not, I assure you. The world doesn’t care that much about you. Canceled and delayed flights are now just a regular part of flying. As frustrating and exhausting as that is, throwing a fit at the gate helps no one and certainly won’t make a Boeing or Airbus magically show up at your gate. Pack extra patience in your carry on when flying in this post-COVID-19 lockdown world.

You know damn well if you are in Boarding Group A or B. Hang back from the line before Group B is called. Is it pointless and pedantic when we’re all getting on to the same shitty little tin can for the next few hours? Maybe. But this is about lessening the stress of flying for you and everyone around you. Following the rules will make this a lot easier.

You can definitely be one of the assholes who crowds around in one of those pre-line lines, but you aren’t winning any popularity contests and are likely breaking the “pretend other people exist” rule.

Carry ons are getting out of hand these days, and often if you’re boarding later you can be stuck without a spot to put your bags. This is a pain, but for efficient de-planing, it’s best to keep your bag at hand. Or better yet, check that sucker. Flight crews are usually begging passengers to abandon their carry ons in the boarding bridge with their little “I’m a good citizen” tags. Being a travel hero and deplaning more quickly? It’s a win-win. And honestly, picking up a checked bag is not as big of a hassle as folks make it out to be.

You can’t always get what you want. You can try sometimes, but when it comes to seat-switching, it’s best to try one time and be respectful while you do it. Reddit is filled with far too many /r/AmITheAsshole posts about people who had legitimate reasons for being in the seat they chose and then being pressured by fellow passengers or flight crew to switch seats with someone who didn’t plan ahead or didn’t buy tickets in time to sit with who they want. You never know why a person wants their assigned seat. It could be they ordered a special meal, or they need access to the bathroom often so they chose an aisle.

The important thing is, it’s none of your damn business. Ask once, politely accept the answer, and hope to plan ahead a little better next time. Don’t even dream of asking an aisle or window seated person to switch with a middle seat. Speaking of which...

This is non-negotiable: give those poor bastards their arm rests.

Recently, a kid with an incredibly annoying light-up bunny ear hat made waves on the internet as she was playing with it during the dark hours on a long haul flight.

Listen: I do not care if your plane is taxiing to the gate and you are jonesing after a nine hour flight for that sweet hit of Candy Crush. I do not care if your four year old doesn’t like to wear headphone when watching Bluey — as much as I, a childless adult love Bluey, I don’t want to hear it on a flight. Do quiet things that respect everyone’s eyes and ears.

Drunk passengers becoming aggressive with flight attendants during COVID and immediately after the lockdowns almost led to airlines banning the sale of alcohol on flights. American travelers will have a whole new problem on their hands if I’m not able to pair my whiskey and ginger ale with my Tylenol PMs on any flight over five hours.

Like, come on. Those shots are super expensive anyway! Don’t ruin it for the rest of us by acting a damn fool. And speaking of...

You will pay attention to the safety instructions. You will return to your seat during turbulence and you will say please and thank you to the find people who keep our friendly skies humming.

Here’s the thing: they don’t have to put up with your shit. Pre-boarding, if the flight crew says you go, you go. There is no appeal, no recourse. These are people who do this stressful shit for a living. In the before times, being a flight attendant was a dream job. Now, after unprecedented bad behavior from travelers, those who remain are battle hardened sky warriors who will not hesitate to duct tape you to a seat or have you dragged off by police. And everyone on the plane will cheer while they do it, because you’re the villain in this story, bucko.

I get it. I truly do. No one wants to do more sitting when standing is suddenly made available to you. But it’s a pyrrhic victory: You are now awkwardly standing with your head bent, or shoving your butt into the face of a normal person who remained seated. You’re not getting off the plane any faster really, it’s too crowded in the walkway to get your luggage down now. And if you sit after standing prematurely? Then you’re just a quitter.

Seasoned travelers know that even with the gate open, we’re probably gonna be a while.