Yesterday I had to buy a new set of tires for my wife’s VW Tiguan, because the left rear tire decided that it had enough of the tire business and wanted to see what the scrap rubber or perhaps laying-in-a-ravine-behind-a-shopping-center field had to offer. So, I had to buy some new tires, and that means reading the names of many, many tires. And that led me to think about tire names, which led me here. To you.
There’s a dizzying array of tire manufacturers, with widely varied names. Aside from the old standbys of Goodyear, Michelin, Continental, Toyo, Bridgestone, and so on, there’s so many more, like Achilles and Road Hugger and Braven and Greenball and Nexen and Apollo and Double Coin and Sentury and Pitbull and plenty of others.
Their tire model names are often interesting, too, and once that rhythm of tire names got in my head, it stayed there, and that led me to think of what sorts of really terrible tire-sounding names one could come up with, and before I knew it, that’s what happened and, well, here we are:
1. Thinwall Slickslipper GT
2. Icarus Quickmelt
3. Punctureprone Quickpop Monsoon 2
4. Brokenhome Lonelyroller F1
5. Pedophile Sport Cup GTX
6. Ever-Yield Terrainophobe A/T
7. Cheapskate Quickwear LS
8. Hubris Overconfi Speedslammer GTX
9. Hades Futureswing Lowlife QT
10. Üntersteer Wallsmacker Sport
11. Roadhumper Tarmacteaser UHP
12. Bridgestone Blizzak
Make sure to ask for these by name the next time you’re so lonely you call up Tire Rack just to talk to somebody, anybody.