On a recent episode of the Grand Tour, we learned something truly tragic: Richard Hammond denies himself the joys of ice cream consumption because he seems to have conflated the concept of eating ice cream with his own sexual orientation. It’s tragic.
Specifically, here’s what Hammond, a man wearing a very dashing purple velour suit, said on the subject of ice cream eating, when prompted by Jeremy Clarkson’s lament that the interior of a new Volvo was non-conducive to ice cream consumption:
HAMMOND: “It’s all right, I don’t eat ice cream. It’s something to do with being straight.”
CLARKSON: “Why are you applauding him? What do you mean? You’re saying all children are homosexual?”
HAMMOND: “What? What? Ice cream is a bit - you know... There’s nothing wrong with it, but a grown man eating an ice cream - it’s that way, rather than that way.
“I’m right. I can’t believe you can’t see that. It’s easy. It’s in front of you.”
Here’s a clip of the exchange:
All the joys of ice cream will forever be self-denied to Richard Hammond. The minty goodness of a mint chocolate chip cone on a hot day, the complex texture of a big lump of Rocky Road, the flavor roundhouse kick that is chocolate-peanut butter ice cream – all these things Richard Hammond denies himself out of fear that one wrong lick will cause him to crave male genitals, uncontrollably and forever, though really there’s nothing wrong with that.
Psychologists contacted by Jalopnik have admitted that such a phobia is as yet unknown, but, with some further research, it’s likely that the condition of avoiding ice cream because of the fear that it may do something to your sexuality will become known as Hammond Syndrome.
It’s ice cream, Hammond. Get a grip.
h/t to Adam!