Sure, Hurricane Matthew seems like it will be pretty scary. But it’s got nothing on the gravest threat facing our great nation’s safety right now: evil clowns. There’s an evil clown infestation happening all over America, and it’s time that we look the threat right in its filthy rubber nose and take action. With our cars.
Before I go on, I want to be absolutely clear here that I am in no way whatsoever advocating for anyone to kill or injure a human being.* I’m not talking about just any clowns here.
This is not about some sad theater-school dropout who clowns at birthday parties to make rent before retiring every night in a haze of booze and tears. This is not about any pack of Faygo-addled Juggalos (though the case could be made there too), or silently mocking mimes, or one of those weird motley-garbed, cone-hatted European highbrow clown dipshits.
This is about Evil Fucking Clowns.
The sort of evil clown that’s been spotted in cities all over the country isn’t human: it’s a raw manifestation of pure evil, born from children’s fear, adult insecurity, and the teeming refuse of a sick society.
These are the evil clowns that are stalking us, and these are the evil clowns I’m going to help you kill.
The reasons I suggest using a car to dispatch these clowns are many. First, cars are common, and they’re a machine you’re likely to be in or near when you encounter an evil clown.
Second, they provide you with some protection: even the slightest contact with the otherworldly materials that make up an evil clown could have lasting effects. They’re alarmingly strong, and confronting them directly rarely results in victory for the human. I’m pretty sure the filthy black ichor inside them burns like acid, and I think if you smell their breath it’ll drive you to madness. Best to confront the beasts while encased in 3,400 pounds of steel and glass and rubber.
Third, a car is a potent weapon. Evil clowns are strong and deadly, but the sheer inertia of a car is usually a match for what they dish out. Usually.
Finally, we’re a car site. I need to do my part to protect us from the miserable scourge of evil clowns, and this is all I know.
These techniques are designed to dispatch an evil clown threat with minimal contact with you or your vehicle. The viscous fluids in an evil clown can cause real damage to your car, and they’re capable of biting through plastic and steel if sufficiently angered. You can’t just ram an evil clown and hope for the best—just the chance that the clown could incapacitate your car and get access to you is not a risk we can take.
Method 1: The Drive-By Door Whack
If you’re in a situation where you spot an evil clown by a roadside, this is an effective way to minimize the clownular threat while remaining in motion. Remember, you goal is to get away from the evil clown!
You’ll want a friend for this one. When you see an evil clown lurking by a roadside, hug the road near the shoulder and have your accomplice in the passenger seat kick the passenger door open and brace it with their legs as you pass, ideally impacting the clown.
To be effective, the door needs to be unlatched but closed as you approach, and then kicked open at the last minute to be sure the clown has no time to dodge. Be sure to lean back in the seat and brace your feet against the door panel, with knees bent to absorb the impact.
The impact should slam the door shut; once this happens, just keep driving. Don’t look back. Never look back.
Method 2: The Trunk Crunch
It’s possible an evil clown may find you when you’re near your car, but not actually in it. Attracted to your fear and revulsion, the evil clown will begin to approach you, perhaps with growled offers of candy, perhaps with a more aggressive lunge. In this situation, the evil clown is within, say, 10-15 feet of you. Far too close.
Your car will need to have a trunk for this to work, and fold-down rear seats. You’ll want to be able to access the seat-folding latch from inside the trunk (many cars have this) or just disable the latch or get in the habit of keeping the seat unlatched.
The trick here is to resist the urge to run for the driver’s door and just drive away; the evil clown is too fast and too strong, and will make short work of you right in the driver’s seat as you fumble to close the door and start your car.
What you want to do is head to your trunk. Get the trunk open (ideally, you’ll have a key fob that lets you do this remotely), crawl in, pull the lid shut, and push down the back seat and climb into the driver’s seat. If possible, latch the back seat behind you.
The clown will easily break open the lock of the trunk lid in its deranged quest to maim you. At this point, the evil clown thinks your hiding in the trunk, which is saturated with your fear musk and possibly a bit of fear urine.
You’ll have a few seconds while the disoriented evil clown figures out your not in there, and a few more as he works to break through the rear seat into the passenger compartment. During this little bit of time, start the car, throw it into reverse, and ram the fuck out of it into the nearest wall, pole, tree, car, whatever.
Just smash the trunk as hard as you can, and then get the hell out of the car and run.
I’m sorry, yes, this one does sacrifice the car. But if it means injuring or hopefully killing an evil clown instead of it getting you and doing depraved, evil clown things to you, it’s worth it.
Method 3: The Drift-Smack
This is a way to use your car’s mass and inertia to strike the evil clown while hopefully leaving the car able to escape. A simple, head-on run into an evil clown often doesn’t work, as the clowns can often survive the initial impact, and the car is usually too damaged (usually total radiator/front suspension loss) to drive away.
Alternately, some evil clowns may be knocked over the hood and into the windshield, which they’ll easy smash through to get at your pretty little face. We can’t risk this.
That’s where the Drift-Smack method comes in so handy. The goal is to hit the clown with the rear quarter of the car, which can take the impact and allow you, in most cases, to flee.
Start by driving at the evil clown, accelerating hard. When you’re within 10 feet or so, grab the handbrake (or stomp it), locking the rear wheels. Crank the wheel hard to the left, which should swing the rear of the car out to the right.
If you’ve timed it right, the rear of the car should swing hard right into the clown, sending him tumbling to the ground. At this point the car should be facing roughly 180° from before. You’re now pointed towards freedom, so release the emergency brake, jam on the gas and get the fuck out of there.
Method 4: Basic Head-On With Brake-Off
While a straight-on run-over attempt is usually too dangerous to try with most evil clowns, there are situations where you may have no choice.
The big risk is that a head-on evil clown hit could result in the clown disabling your car or getting access to you via your windows or roof. That’s why when you run over an evil clown, you have to do it in two decisive steps:
One: Go fast, go hard. Once you know you have to head-on drive into a clown, commit. Get on the gas, and point the car right at the clown’s center of mass, usually located right above a pot belly and below a blood-spattered oversized bow tie.
If all goes perfectly, you’ll ride up and over the clown, in which case keep going and hope he wasn’t able to hold on to the underbody of the car. If he does, try to find a parking lot and drive over those concrete parking spot barriers or traffic medians or other road obstructions until you break the evil clown grip, which is considerable.
Two: It’s more likely the clown will be flung onto the hood. Once there, the evil clown will lock eyes with you and attempt to smash his way into the car. That’s why you have to be ready. When the clown raises a hand to strike his first blow against the windshield, stomp on the brakes.
Hopefully, this will send the clown flying off the hood. Do not attempt this if the clown is holding onto the car with both hands—their grip is simply too strong. But you have a shot if you time it when they’ve relinquished grip on one hand.
Once you get the clown off the car, do not attempt to drive over him again! Far too often they can find a handhold in the car’s underbody, and tear their way through the thin sheet metal floor. You don’t want to see those claw-like clown hands reaching up from the floor to seize your legs, trust me. Just swerve around the fucking thing.
You just may get away with your life.
God help us all.
*Once again, this is meant for clowns, not humans. And only evil clowns. Try and confirm they are evil before attempting any of this.