Today is Amazon’s Prime Day, a dumb made up thing that is not really a holiday, but which was created by the Amazon corporation to sell more things in months not named “November” or “December.” They have a bunch of car stuff for sale, and weirdly, the worst of it is also the BEST.
Take, for example, this 55-gallon drum of rust remover.
What does one do with 55 gallons of rust remover? Well, remove rust, for one. Jason assures me that this is probably for a shop or some sort of industrial use, but no. This is Amazon. This must be purely for consumer application. This is for that one guy out there who needs a hell of a lot of rust remover, and needs it now.
I’m going to dunk Raph’s Baja in it. Can’t wait to see four worn tires and one lonely headlight float to the top.
And after completely dissolving Raph’s Baja in a 55-gallon drum, as is traditional in the boro in which we make our home, I’m sure you’ll feel, as I do, that it’s time for celebration.
When people celebrate, they like to make noise. And what better way could you make noise than with this 150 decibel air horn, completely with its own compressor?
The title of the listing says that it’s explicitly for a truck, lorry (also known as a truck), boat, or train. But then the description also says it is perfect for your car and “all types of autombiles.”
I know what you’re thinking, and yes, you’re absolutely right. This would fit in fucking perfectly on what remains of your Daewoo Lanos, after you parked it vaguely near your giant barrel of rust remover.
For reference, a 150 dB horn is somewhere in loudness between a jet engine on takeoff and a shotgun blast right next to your head.
After testing out your horn right in front of your own face for a full hour, you’re going to be deaf, but you might also start to vomit. A lot. We’re just talking vomit everywhere, really. Remember the ipecac scene from Family Guy? Yeah, that’s going to be you. Times two.
I know what you’re thinking, as you sit there on the rear bench seat, the only thing that’s left from your Lanos, upchucking profusely. If only Prime Day, provider of such a large and surely unending bounty, could set you up with something that would preserve what’s left of your dignity.
And yet, Prime Day delivers.
Back in my day, we just called this a plastic tarp and went on with our lives. But now we live in modern times, and this fancy-ass tarp is now called a “Waterproof Bench Seat Cover for Pets.”
You know this isn’t for pets. It’s for you. You and your puke.
Finally, as you sit there exhausted, deaf, and covered in a vomit-drenched tarp, you demand entertainment. The one and only true entertainment that could possibly match your current state.
As always, Prime Day delivers.
ALL SEVEN FAST AND FURIOUS MOVIES IN ONE ENORMOUS BOX SET FOR ONLY 80 BUCKS.
Amazon’s slinging a bunch of other dumb stuff in its Autos section for Prime Day. Buy none of it. It’s all garbage. These are the only four things you need.