Like most of you, I’m not sure Christmas is still a holiday that even gets celebrated in America! I tend to get most of my information from disposable coffee cups, and those seem to suggest an outright hostility to the holiday, what with all their color and all. And now I find that General Motors has no plans for a Baby Jesus Christmas Edition Silverado this year. What is happening?
I mean, it’s pretty clear what’s happening—GM, just like Starbucks, has declared war on Christmas, and I’m not sure poor, sweet, innocent Christmas can defend itself from an enemy of GM’s magnitude.
Here’s GM’s cruel and brutal Christmas-attack plan: they have every capability of building a run of special-edition Baby Jesus Christmas Silverados, and they are deliberately choosing not to. They’re making a conscious decision to not build a single Baby Jesus Edition Silverado, because they know how much that will hurt the tiny, barely-acknowledged holiday of Christmas.
This Baby Jesus Edition Christmas 2016 Silverado could easily have a full 3D nativity scene installed on the hood, it could have full Santa Claus graphics applied to the side and doors, and the tailgate could have a large baby Jesus right on it.
It could say MERRY CHRISTMAS at the top of the windshield in huge letters, and it could have an entertainment system pre-loaded (permanently) with 256 hours of Christmas songs. They could have installed special Christmas-scented filters in the HVAC system (baking cookies, fir trees, reindeer scat), they could have decked the interior with boughs of holly — there’s so much they could have done, easily.
But they deliberately chose not to. In the same way Starbucks chose not to place any overt Christmas-themed imagery on their coffee cups, GM has kowtowed to PC culture and denied America their Baby Jesus Christmas Edition Silverado. And with that denial, they’ve effectively banned Christmas—already so marginalized and barely in the public awareness as it is!—and joy for everyone, forever.
Why does GM hate Christmas so much? There’s really no way to know, exactly. Perhaps GM was denied a coveted styling buck one year, or maybe a new engine block-casting plant. We may never know. But, it’s clear that they do, and with their non-production of the Baby Jesus Christmas Edition Silverado, they will not rest until they see the very life fade from Christmas’ eyes as it writhes and struggles under their cruel, unfeeling tire.
We have to do something. We need to organize, to demand that GM build the Baby Jesus Christmas Silverado we deserve or we will never buy another Silverado again. Also, maybe we’ll vandalize the crap out of Chevy dealerships with red and green ribbons.
Thanks a lot, GM. You killed Christmas.
Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.