Fiat-Chrysler CEO Sergio Marchionne has been having a bit of a rough go of it, lately. He’s been trying to offload Chrysler for a while, preferably by selling it to GM, but all he’s faced is rejection. Sad, sad rejection.
This weekend, news trickled out in the New York Times that Marchionne sent a long, convoluted e-mail to GM CEO Mary Barra, a person whom he’d never actually met, proposing that they join up and have their companies spend the rest of their lives together:
In the middle of March, Mary T. Barra, the chief executive of General Motors, received a lengthy and unusual email from one of her direct competitors, Sergio Marchionne.
Ms. Barra had never met Mr. Marchionne, the C.E.O. of Fiat Chrysler Automobiles. And she was in no way expecting their first contact to be an offer to discuss a potential blockbuster of a merger.
As you can imagine, from the way your completely unsolicited, unwelcome, and awkward proposals were received back in Middle School, it didn’t turn out so great for poor Sergio:
This analysis did not interest Ms. Barra or other G.M. executives and board members. Instead, Mr. Marchionne’s request for a meeting on the subject was flatly turned down, according to people with knowledge of the situation who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Damn, GM. That’s hard AF. And frankly, completely, totally, rational and logical. GM owning Chrysler is absurd from a business standpoint, seeing as how GM already just got finished getting rid of a lot of its own self-cannibalization and doesn’t need any more of it, and, also, you know, “history.”
But I imagine that Sergio’s feeling pretty down right now, after being rejected like that. So we’ve got some Middle School-to-Early High School-appropriate songs to help him get through the experience.
Dashboard Confessional is not only an appropriate band name, it’s also so, so sad.
Wait, did I say Dashboard Confessional was sad? Nothing is sadder than a sad Canadian, and for that, we have Simple Plan.
Speaking of Sad Canadians, there’s always Celine Dion. Maybe you won’t always be all by yourself.
Give us the imperative, Elton and Kiki.
Belt it, Béy. WHY WON’T YOU LOVE FIAT-CHRYSLER, GM?
Ladies and gentlemen, the OG of heartache. Conway Twitty.
And this one isn’t for Sergio. It’s just from the music department of General Motors:
Cheer up, Sergio. There are other automotive mega-conglomerates in the sea. Have you tried calling Ford?
Additional rejection songs, and photoshops of Sergio Marchionne with emo haircuts, go in the comments below.
Photo credit: Getty Images
Contact the author at ballaban@jalopnik.com.
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