If you’re one of our Australian readers, chances are you’re not feeling too safe, because you know a criminal is on the loose. A man, still at large, wanted for the chilling crime of waving his li’l Ned Kelly at a van-based speed camera, and then rubbing his junk and ass all over the van. Well, I guess if you’re a speed camera van, you’re worried.

Everyone else may find this probably drunken loon a sort of folk hero.

Th incident happened back on January 26, Australia Day, which, like all national holidays, is basically an excuse to get really drunk and crazy. It’s not hard to see why a drunk guy, full of booze and love for Australia, might seek out a speed camera to defile, because, come on, nobody likes speed cameras.

Regrettably, there was a civilian operator inside the speed camera van, and hopefully they managed not to look directly at the genitals or anus that was being slid all over the van.

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You have to admire the guy’s commitment to this act; he really gets in there and rubs all over the thing, likely making some direct people-cloaca-to-van-body contact and getting his orbs and tube all over that deflowered van. It’s possible they’re legally married now, depending on local laws.

Victoria Police are still looking for the mystery van molester, meaning no speed camera van is safe from his lewd manparts-handling in all of Victoria, Australia. To be safe, maybe those speed cameras ought to be kept off the roads. I’m not sure how much more direct-anus contact those things can take before there’s real damage.