There’s a new iPhone out soon or something? And the people, they are excited about the new device. Why? I myself haven’t carried a phone in years, it’s much easier to have other people carry the phone for you and make the calls when you demand it. No, what everyone should be doing is placing orders for the new Ferrari FXX K Evoluzione.

See? Peasants.

Meanwhile, I’ve already reserved one of the new Ferraris for myself. I’m really quite excited about it—and actually relieved that I didn’t wind up buying the normal Ferrari FXX K like some lowly software executive would. Especially now that there’s a better and costlier version coming out. You can always rely on Ferrari to slight its own customers!

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The normal, plebian FXX K made 1,050 horsepower and cost about $3 million. If I showed up at the gala with that I’d be laughed out. Tossed onto to the filthy streets of Monaco with nary an ounce of respect to my name. The people that run in my circle are very shrewd, darling. They’ll notice if something is mass produced.

That being said, I don’t want my little surprise spoiled before I’m ready to show it off to the world, so Ferrari is throwing me an unveiling this weekend in Abu Dhabi, at the Yas Marina circuit. You aren’t invited. Sorry.

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Do you expect me to drive the thing once I get it, you ask? But, of course! What’s the point of owning a racetrack if you’re not going to use it? Here’s me testing out the FXX K Evo on my private racetrack last month.

So, my parting advice to you is this: don’t get sucked into the newest gadget everyone and their fat uncle is clamoring to buy. Be above the hype. Buy something unique. Something that not everyone is going to have.

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Buy a Ferrari.