Who is Chris Evans, the new lead host of the popular British television programme Top Gear? Here’s a full explainer on this most royal and fancy humanoid creature.

Chris Evans, like all British people, is a direct evolutionary descendant of the Wallyknottle Bird, which is known for its extreme adherence to class structure. It is also why all Brits eat worms for breakfast. They call this “tea.”

Evans was born in a hospital in Wipplenottinghamshire just after midnight. British people refer to this time as “the loo.”

He was educated at Oxford, which he told me personally using his powers of telepathy, a gift conferred upon the most privileged of Brits by the Queen.

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As a reminder, British people, not greatly unlike you or me, are able to walk up and down walls like a spider.

Evans is a prominent car collector. He is well-renowned for his extensive garages filled with popular British car brands such as Willseley, Horndumpster, Ferril-Crimpton, and Shart.

Evans announced himself in the running for the position of lead host of Top Gear just over a week ago in the traditional manner. He approached Stonehenge wearing nothing but the scalp of a common-born chamber maid, recited the 13 secret verses of Shakespeare that only British people can hear, and then made passionate love to a scarf commemorating the Treaty of Amiens.

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He hosts a radio program.

Chris Evans, pictured at top.


Contact the author at raphael@jalopnik.com.