Illustration: Patrick George
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Here at Jalopnik, we get a lot of press releases, marketing pitches, spam and emails. Most of them I half-heartedly archive, but one caught my eye today: a pitch with the subject line “David Leitch to direct Fast & Furious spin-off starring Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham.” And I got very excited because I initially and very quickly read that as “David Lynch to direct Fast & Furious spin-off starring Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham.”

Alas, that is not the case. I am here to report that unfortunately, and against Hollywood’s better judgment, the Twin Peaks, Blue Velvet and Mulholland Drive director is not in fact helming a Fast & Furious spinoff.

And that sucks, because I believe that should happen.

Anyway, EW reports that David Leitch, who directed Atomic Blonde (which I liked) and is doing Deadpool 2, is making a spin-off of the car franchise starring characters Luke Hobbs and Deckard Shaw, played by Johnson and Statham, respectively. This is because everything in Hollywood is a spinoff, sequel or reboot, and by 2032, all films produced globally will be part of the Avengers franchise.

I can’t say I’m super thrilled by the idea of this, as I can barely muster the strength to go see new movies in the mainstream F&F franchise. But! I am now wondering what it would be like if the Wild at Heart guy was allowed to direct it instead.

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There would be one car, a 1989 Lincoln Town Car, it would take place entirely in a forest, and at the end of the film it would be revealed that the Town Car was actually Kyle MacLachlan the entire time.

That’s one pitch! I welcome yours as well. Please put your ideas into the comments so I can steal them and get rich in Hollywood, like I deserve.