Unlike the first movie, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen isn't a cargasm, nor has it necessarily become what we were told to expect — a robogasm. Instead, it's an attack on the intelligence of moviegoers under a pretense of fan-boyishness.
It's not like we were expecting Citizen Kane, but Michael Bay and his crew of (did someone actually write this?) creators actually took a film series about good alien robots disguised as cars fighting evil alien robots on Earth and manages to alienate people, like us, who look forward to a good movie about fighting alien robots. They've lowered the bar so low Devastator couldn't dig (or suck, as it were) it out of the earth. Why is this movie so bad?
Appeals To Die-Hard Fans
Don't feel sorry for us. At least we didn't pay to see the film (well, Wert did. Twice.). Reserve your sympathy for the true Transformers fan. There are little bits of Generation 1 history in the film, especially in the action. The dialogue between Megatron, Starscream, Optimus and the others is full of little treats for the fan-boys. Giving voice duties of Soundwave to Frank Welker was also a great choice. The fan-boys begged for this after the first film and got it. Unfortunately, in order to enjoy the film they'll have to swallow a lot and, for the most part, it completely complicates the film for everyone else.
Poor Optimus Prime. If only he could save the world from Michael Bay.
Mudflap And Skids
These two robot twins we've not-so-affectionately nicknamed Jar and Jar come to make one stellar point about American race relations: both rednecks and ghetto children are equally amusing to normal people. These are the characters kids are supposed to relate to and, what do they do? They call one kid a "pussy" and talk about "busting a cap" in the same person. It's like blackface with a robotic skin complete with a moment where the characters admit "we don't really do much reading." Great role models. At least Optimus Prime from Generation 1 was an actual role model — a leader.
Michael Bay one-upped ol' George Lucas by including two Jar Jar Binks characters.
An Awful Portrayal Of College
The protagonist Sam Witwicky goes to a college that's clearly supposed to be Princeton, but let's just say the Harvard depicted in How High was a million times more accurate. The place is full of hot girls at a ratio you wouldn't find at Florida State University, let alone freaking Princeton. Rainn Wilson's turn as a college professor is amusing, but the opening topics of his Astronomy 101 class have almost nothing to do with Astronomy. Oh, and they blow up a library.
Oh Sam, you get to take an awesome Camaro to school, how rough.
We know many people appreciate the way she looks and, in the first film, she manages to not completely destroy her lines. In this one they manage to give her fewer words to speak and yet, somehow, she's worse. However, we do need to thank Bay for his frequent slow motion scenes of her breasts bouncing up-and-down in the kind of outfit you wouldn't ever consider wearing for interstellar battle.
Oh no, I've fallen again! Why didn't I wear a bra?
There's some occasionally funny dialogue, including a great line about tight-fitting t-shirts, but to get there you have to trod through some bad-for-a-movie-about-alien-robots lines. "We got a whole bunch of fight coming our way!" or "Bring the rain...again!" Was this movie re-translated from a knock-off Chinese script?
Excuse me while I take a CG dump on your film.
Awful GM Product Placement
The original transformers film was a cargasm to the extreme, full of shiny GM products you could go out and buy. This film was an ode to GM products you can't own: GMC TopKick (discontinued), Corvette Centennial (concept), Chevy Trax (failed concept), Camaro Z28 (cancelled), Chevy Volt (eventually, maybe), Saturn Astra (entire brand sold) and others.
"If you were in this movie, you'd also wish you couldn't talk"
Here's a bit of a surprise — although we don't want to give away too much — but a giant metallic tongue comes out of this girl's anus.
You think anyone will notice us up here?
Suspension Of Disbelief
A certain character in the film has been plotting revenge on the human race for thousands of years and yet, when it comes down to it, the plans he makes are nonsensical. A trap is sprung with the use of Sam's annoying parents. They're the bait. But it's in the middle of a full-blown battle and is apparently premised on the belief that everyone will just stop fighting. Also, a battleship equipped with a rail gun will suddenly start taking firing orders from a crazy man with a Jordanian military radio.
We'll admit, this scene was fairly awesome.
So to sum it all up — just go see Star Trek again. Or run the first movie's battle scenes over and over again. Oh and yes, we hope this guy doesn't fire us.