These Are The Unbreakable Rules Of The Gas Station

I get it. It is cuh-hold outside in Michigan right now. I don’t want to be out there waiting for some slow-chugging fuel to fill up my tank one agonizing flick at a time. But static electricity is the last thing you want around gas fumes. In the dry winter air, with thicker clothing, that risk is amplified. It’s better to keep your eye on your pump at all times anyway—you never know when things might go wrong.

Have you ever filled up your gas tank and then suddenly think “You know, I need to fill up my own tank, with some tasty Wawa,” and then walked inside the store while leaving your car at the pump. Yes you have, admit it. We’ve all done it. Whether we justify it with “I’ll just be a second” or “there’s not too many cars here, it’s fine,” sometimes the laziness just wins. But don’t do it. You never know when a rush will suddenly fill up every pump, and you certainly don’t want to slow down fueling on a busy day. Even small gas stations have a few parking spots away from the pumps. Use them.

I recently encountered a diesel pump with the automatic shut off malfunctioning (remember how I said you should keep an eye on your pump? This is why.) The result was diesel gurgling from my fuel tank, down the side of my car and on to the concrete. Now, diesel is not as dangerous as spilled gas, but I still went inside and let the operator know. No one wants their sneakers smelling like fuel, and even fewer want to explode in a fire ball because they didn’t know the ground was soaked in gasoline. Just be polite and use your head.

OK, I know this isn’t a huge concern for most people, but diesel owners will thank you—in a gas station, diesel owners usually have two pumps available if we are lucky. If you are a gasoline owner and there are empty, non-diesel pumps open, then be a polite person and leave those green pumps open for suckers like me who need them.

You might be too lazy to move your car, but you’re never too lazy to turn it off. No one wants to stand near your exhaust pumping out while fill their cars. It’s also a safety issue, as a running vehicle is more likely to produce a static electric charge that might ignite the gas fumes. It’s not likely, but it could happen, and then you’re the asshole who died for a stupid reason. Think of that.

There are lots of different kinds of pumps out there, and some are really annoying. There are rewards cards, payment options and a whole rigamarole. If a pump isn’t your usual spot, take the time to read through the options. Also not every gas station puts their gas options in order of regular-plus-premium, so you really want to take your time. Dicking around with canceling the wrong fuel and going through the whole process again is wasting time, and time is money. Money that can go to delicious Wawa sandwhiches.

This ain’t rocket surgery — parking close to the pump saves you, and by extension everyone else, valuable time in wrangling the nozzle and walking over to your car.

And none of this draping the hose over your roof shit. You look dumb because you are dumb. If you are not sure which side of the car the tank is on, just look at your fuel indicator. Somewhere on there, there should be a little arrow pointing to the side you need to fill up on.

Remember that bit about the static electricity? Same goes for smoking. Yeah it’s not the most likely scenario, but you know what people will say if it does happen to you? You should have known better. Don’t let that be your epitaph.

I learned the hard way one summer afternoon that not everyone wants the crimes of Hadden Clark recounted to them at the gas station. Same goes from music of course. You can be bumping into and out of the gas station, but we’re all standing around performing the same tedious task. Anything that makes this more annoying is bad form. Don’t be an asshole and shoot anyone over loud music. They’re just being rude, not dangerous. The best revenge is the comfort you feel in your superior Gas Station etiquette.

Those dumb “I Did That” stickers never lasted long enough on pumps for them to point to sub $3 gas. That’s because the weary, likely underpaid gas station attendants had to scrape them all off in case of surprise inspection from corporate makes the politically charge sticker everyone’s problem. Putting anything on a gas pump is a headache for the folks who run the station; small business owners just trying to keep their image conscious gasoline providers happy. Your fellow gas station users will thank you as well.

If you go to Costco or a similar place where all the gas station traffic is one way please, for the love of Christmas, pull up to the last open pump in your row. Don’t stop at the first one you see, that just jams everybody up.

Speaking of Costco, if the store owners went to all the trouble to paint arrows and lines on the cement, then do us all a favor and follow them.

You know what candy you like, you know what brand cigs you want, and you know that scratch off ticket is going to take several seconds to tear your dreams of debt relief to shreds. Most of all, you know if you’re paying inside, that you need to know the pump number. This information will come in handy when you quickly make your transaction and move aside for the next person.

This isn’t really about being respectful or safe; that stuff is just nasty. Usually stuffed with mystery garbage deposited by a previous jerk or the wind, you have no idea what’s in there and where it’s been. These things are the port-a-john of the car world. LiAnd what if it dripped on you! Gross. No.

We’ve all seen the trash strewn gas stations. While some of this is evidence of a spot needing a good sweeping, it’s also clear people don’t care. Gas stations are already soulless places of bad lighting and crummy functional architecture, so you may think it’s fine to let that potato chip bag fly away in the breeze, or let the machine spit out a receipt and let it dangle uselessly. But this is not The Way. Yes, gas stations generally suck, but there’s no reason to make them suck more.