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The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isn't Nearly As Amusing

Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing

The new model range extension from the MINI is big. Really big. Huge. If the new 5 ended up at a circus, there'd be no point in using it as a clown car, it wouldn't be funny. Because there's nothing funny about shoving five people in a five-door Mini.

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Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing

This isn't the first five-door Mini we've been given. The Countryman also has five doors. However, the new 5 is the first non-off road offering in this form. So just how huge is this new extension? We already knew this was coming, but we didn't know the extent of the size increase.

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Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing

Now we do. The press release on the BMW Group website gives us all the deets on the latest example of embiggening (best word ever?) the MINI silhouette, albeit with all the self-congratulating which usually goes into press releases. Just imagine it in an upper-crust British accent, just don't blame me if you end up in a giggle fit.

Wheelbase expanded by 72 millimetres as compared to the new MINI; this makes space for three seats at the rear of the MINI 5 door with 72 millimetres more foot space and legroom, 15 millimetres more headroom and 61 millimetres more interior width at elbow height as compared to the new MINI; what is more, luggage compartment space is now at 278 litres - 67 litres more than in the 3-door model; excellent figures in the small car premium segment in terms of legroom, headroom and luggage compartment volume; rear backrest with 60 : 40 split; optional storage package including luggage compartment floor which can be locked into place at varying points.

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For the exterior the length has been extended to 3.982 meters (4.005 meters for the MINI Cooper S 5 door and MINI Cooper SD 5 door), widened to 1.727 meters, heightened to 1.425 meters, and the wheelbase has been increased to 2.567 meters. This is one honking large "Mini."

Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing
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Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing
Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing
Advertisement
Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing
Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing
Advertisement
Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing
Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing
Advertisement
Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing
Illustration for article titled The New MINI 5 Can Fit All The Clowns But Isnt Nearly As Amusing
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Images via BMW Group.

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DISCUSSION

With apologies to Dr. Seuss...

They meant no harm. They most truly did not. But they had to grow bigger, so bigger they got. They biggered their factory. We biggered our roads. They biggered their Minis, and they biggered their loads. They biggered the size of the loads they could carry. A Mini to fit every Tom, Dick & Harry! They went right on biggering, selling more cars. And they biggered their money, for which everyone wars.

I then became cross. I became terribly cross! I yelled at that Mini, "Now listen here, Hoss!" All you do is build crap of increasing size. Your cars are called Mini, so that's not so wise! Issigonis turns over in his grave, though building fatass Minis I must say is brave.

Then Mini yelled back, "Now listen Jalop!" All you do is call me fat and say stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Well i have my rights, dude, and I'm telling you, I intend to go on doing just what I do! And for your information, you Jalop, I'm figgering on biggering, and biggering, and BIGGERING and BIGGERING, building embiggened Minis, you see, which nobody, Nobody, NOBODY needs!