The Mystery Of The Bloodthirsty BMW That Needs To Be A Halloween Legend

Illustration for article titled The Mystery Of The Bloodthirsty BMW That Needs To Be A Halloween Legend

Our tips line often gets filled with images that make healthy people want to lavishly vomit, but it's usually the result of a garishly customized Bentley/Hyundai sphinx-thing or something like that. This time, though, the disgust was from real, genuine gore. So, yeah, thanks for that, Andrew Scott of Australia. Thanks a lot.

Rather than let this poor kangaroo die for nothing, however, we thought we'd make a timely Halloween story.

(Warning: disgusting mulched animal images below. Eat that last mouthful of shrimp cocktail before viewing.)

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The images sent were of what was described as a BMW Z4 that seemed to have an entire kangaroo crammed into the engine bay. Via the grille, at what must have been a high speed. The email stated it happened near Mitchell, Australia, while the car was travelling at about 140 mph. The message also suggested the marsupial was 154 lbs and made a case for having 'roo bars installed, a reasonable take-away from the whole event.

Illustration for article titled The Mystery Of The Bloodthirsty BMW That Needs To Be A Halloween Legend

But things don't quite add up. The car's not a Z4, it's looks more like a 3-series from around 2006. The license plate appears to be German, not Australian. A bit of research shows the story and images have been around since about 2007 at least, and the animal in question has been attributed to be a deer, or an elk, or, more plausibly, a fox.

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It's always the same four pictures every time, and those pictures have a faint "webpark.in" watermark on them. It's not clear where, exactly, the images first came from, when it happened, or what the hapless mammal was. It's possible it's faked, though the motive there is pretty hard to guess at.

If these are pictures of an actual event, the animal would likely need to be pretty small to fit in through the radiator grille, between the radiator and the underside of the hood, before presumably getting entangled in the belts on the front of the engine and into the fan, which handles the rest of the pureé-ing duties.

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I suppose it could have happened, if the various parties were fast and unlucky enough. The facts are so muddied from being churned through the Internet for so long that the truth here is in about as bad a shape as that otter or dog or ocelot or whatever.

Illustration for article titled The Mystery Of The Bloodthirsty BMW That Needs To Be A Halloween Legend
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So, since it's not going away, I propose an addendum to the story, in honor of Halloween: in the usual iffy grammar of internet legend posts, people should start adding that, before the car could be repaired, it disappeared from the body shop without a trace. It seems that once BMWs of that era get a taste for mammal blood, they become unstoppable, unquenchable killing machines, and now have a passion for hunting down and devouring the ultimate game: man.

BMW is aware of the issue and may be planning a recall, where the ECU will be reprogrammed to lock out higher primates from any bloodlust-mode situation.

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But until then, the carnivorous BMW is out there, watching and waiting. Don't walk near roads alone! And if you're out at night, and see a pair of angel-eye headlights and smell the acrid tang of fresh blood and motor oil, get your ass up some stairs as fast as you fucking can.

The Bloodlusting BMW awaits! Happy Halloween!

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DISCUSSION

It was a cool October day, much like this one, well it was literally this one because I'm making this story up now but whatever. Mr Cleaver had just purchased a used BMW for a price he couldn't believe. He bought it for $300, the previous owner assured him the car was in perfect working order aside from one small quirk and non-functioning signals. Nothing to be worried about.

Mr Cleaver drove the car home with little fanfare other than a strange pulling whenever he approached a crosswalk. He wrote it off as the road paint pulling it in either direction and parked the car in his garage. As he walked into the house he swore he heard the sound of rolling tires. It was nothing, he continued inside to greet his wife and son.

"DADDY!" his son yelled, a look of joy on his face. "I missed you, lets go for a drive" Mr Cleaver said as he embraced his son. He pressed the button for auto-start on his new car and went to kiss his wife. His son, entranced by BMWs headlights, wandered into the garage. *CRUNCH* Mr Cleaver and his wife ran into the garage to see their poor son torn apart. His body pinned between the hood and the wall of the garage. The car had somehow popped out of park and crashed forward. It was a terrible accident.

Weeks went by, the Cleavers were devastated by the loss of their son. Mr Cleaver didn't go to work and Mrs Cleaver didnt make any sandwiches. It was awful, until the day they decided to visit their sons grave. Mr Cleaver started the car and waited for his wife to come out. 10 minutes went by, 15 minutes went by. He decided to wait in front of the house and threw the car into reverse. *CRUNCH* *CRUNCH* Mr Cleaver had heard that sound before. His heart sank as he jumped out of the car and saw his wifes crushed body beneath the tires. He openly wept as the police arrived.

Mr Cleaver was found guilty of the murder of his wife and young son. He was executed on a cold, sunless November morning. The car was sold at Police Auction to a nice young couple who had recently been married. They couldn't believe they got a BMW for only $300...