GIF: The Fast Saga on YouTube

Han’s back in the first full trailer for Fast 9, also titled The Fast Saga. Everything else looks pretty dumb.

Dom, a petty thief once upon a time, reunites with his long-lost super-spy brother played by John Cena, who looks and acts just like every other bad guy character in one of the other Fast And Furious movies. Except he’s Dom’s brother, because the audience will only care about them wanting to commit murder on each other if they’re related.

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There’s a stunt sequence with a big truck that’s just like the chases from Fast 5 and Fast 6, except the truck is bigger and defies more physics than ever before. Another stunt sequence shows a helicopter chasing our heroes in some tropical island setting, just like the end of Hobbs & Shaw. Han is back in a seemingly-stock Toyota Supra painted to look like his Mazda RX-7 from Tokyo Drift.

That last one is particularly fucked. Not because he’s back and we may finally get justice for Han, but because the moviemakers think what is essentially a BMW Z4 is close enough to an RX-7 to play it off. Disgusting.

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I haven’t even talked about the magnet plane, the fight scene I can immediately recognize as a rip-off from the Bane versus Batman fight from The Dark Knight Rises, and then there’s also a Pontiac Fiero with a rocket strapped to it.

I’m exhausted. This movie looks horrible. Have fun at the theaters, everybody. Let me know if they go to space with that Fiero.

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