The Crazy Latvian Opulent Armored Car Maker DARTZ Challenges Trump To A Limo-Off

DARTZ, the company best known for turning whale penises into comfortable seating, has announced their head-of-state-ready edition of their new wildly overdone vehicle, the Black Alligator. To prove the Black Alligator’s worthiness as a head-of-state car, suitable for presidents, prime ministers, sultans, and dictators alike, DARTZ has issued a challenge to the current American Presidential limo, the Beast: bring it.

I’ve been in direct contact with Leonard Yankelovich, DARTZ’s guy in charge of everything, who, after telling me about this new, heavily armored version of the Black Alligator, messaged me in his own, highly formal manner:


So, the gauntlet has been thrown down. DARTZ hereby challenges President Donald Trump to a Limo-off, Beast vs. Black Alligator.

The Beast is a formidable foe, heavily armored and with night-vision capabilities, independent oxygen supplies, and defensive weaponry, including tear gas cannons and shotguns.

DARTZ believes the Black Alligator is more than a match for the Beast, and provided me with this diagram showing the advanced armor and defensive systems they’ve integrated into their 1600 horsepower monster:


I’d say that’s a pretty worthy adversary.

Leonard also described some of the special features of the Black Alligator that he thinks will help it prevail, like a set of grille shutters that can close to safeguard the radiator (and, as a bonus, can also have a nice huge portrait of the owner’s face) and the side-mounted, quick-access trunks that are designed to hold “three Bazookas with ammunition.”

Leonard also wishes to point out that all eight exhaust pipes on the car are REAL

As far as how this Limo-Off will actually play out, one idea is to have Leonard inside the DARTZ Black Alligator and President Trump in the Beast, and then have both cars simultaneously undergo an attack from soldiers with the goal of extracting the passenger.


Whichever vehicle is breached first, or whichever passenger gives up first, loses. I’m guessing if the DARTZ wins, then the new Presidential limo will be a Black Alligator, and if the Beast wins, then, um, maybe Leonard will have to eat a pound of expired Trump Steaks™ or something.


Leonard also wanted to emphasize that, unlike most armored Mercedes GL-based vehicles (which the Black Alligator is), DARTZ armors the full rear tailgate, instead of an internal bulkhead. This means your dog is safe in the way-back, too.


Additionally, the Black Alligator will come equipped with an alligator-covered Kevlar umbrella to protect against, according to Leonard, “knife of bastard” and to help obscure the important passengers from overhead snipers.

If this showdown were to actually happen, I feel pretty confident in predicting a very clear winner: the American viewing public.

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Jason Torchinsky

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)