Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America

Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America

It's alternate history day at Jalopnik — what would have happened if the Revolutionary War had cars? The British are coming, the British are coming! In a number of strange (and possibly unreliable) commenter-approved vehicles!

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This is Answers of the Day — a feature where we take the best ten responses from the previous day's Question of the Day and shine it up to show off. It's by you and for you, the Jalopnik readers. Enjoy!

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Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America

10. Jaguar E-Type

Suggested By: Death By Cornbread

Tally Ho: Too gaudy for the understated Brits? Possibly. I like to think of the E-Type as more of a flag-bearer, though. Send the Jag out first as a shot across the enemy's bow: "This is our most beautiful car. It represents what we are capable of. We've painted it to look like our flag, because we're damn proud of it. Groovy baby, yeah!" It'll do a couple of passes on the battlefield, lead the troops a little bit, and then retire to the medical tent with an oil leak.

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Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America
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9. MG X-Power SV

Suggested By: TroyQueef

Tally Ho: 320 hp from a modern-day MG? And from one that looks as evil as that, to boot! There are fewer than 84 of these beasts running around in the wild today, but they are all capable of killing you in your sleep and feeling no remorse afterward. There was a track version planned — upgrades included factory-approved nitrous-oxide injection — that would have made a ridiculous 1000 hp. Thankfully, it never saw the light of day.

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Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America

8. McLaren F1

Suggested By: Jeb_Hoge

Tally Ho: When a front-line commander needs to quickly reach his troops in the heat of battle and avoid incoming fire, he needs something fast, small, and maneuverable. The McLaren F1 is all of those things. He'd better just hope it's not one of the bright orange LM models, or he's pretty much a bulls-eye for enemy gunfire. Also, any rough terrain would be disastrous, so battles that don't take place on paved surfaces are out. But still — look at that face! Intimidating!

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Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America
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7. Bowler Nemesis

Suggested By: Sam

Tally Ho: The Bowler takes "fast, maneuverable, and able to traverse just about anything" to the next level. The large platform offered by the Nemesis means it could possibly be used to get supplies to the front lines. Or just stick a big gun on the back and raise hell. Your pick, Mr. General.

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Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America

6. Lotus Esprit Submarine

Suggested By: jpech

Tally Ho: One if by land, two if by sea... three if by mid-70's submersible sports car. Of course, any Bond car is a pretty good choice for a British army attack vehicle (save those BMWs he was stuck in for a bit), but we have a soft spot for the swimming Esprit. Not that the idea isn't inherently ridiculous — if mortal humans can't keep the electric system running right on dry land, why in the name of Joe Lucas would Q Branch decide to throw a Lotus in the ocean?

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Photo credit: LotusEspritTurbo.com

Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America
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5. Jaguar XJ-S-amino

Suggested By: CaptMatt15

Tally Ho: Who else but an enterprising Englishman in a shed would take a perfectly good XJ-S and stick a homemade wooden pickup bed in the back? Here's hoping it won't all fall apart at the first pothole. If it doesn't, it's officially one of the coolest ways to get cannonballs from one end of the firing line to the other.

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Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America

4. Jensen Interceptor

Suggested By: nataku8_e30

Tally Ho: As long as you're not driving one of the snail-like Series I cars, or the later FF models that featured all kinds of technological wonders the British only had a vague concept of (ABS, four-wheel drive, traction control, all in 1967), then the Interceptor is a perfectly capable grand tourer. By 1971, the model had a 440 big-block under the hood, and all was right with the world.

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Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America
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3. Triumph Spitfire

Suggested By: Tanshanomi

Tally Ho: It's named after a World War II airplane — how couldn't the Brits use Spits to conquer foreign lands? If the electrical system craps out, that's how. Or the oil leaks get worse. Or the floor finishes rusting out. Really, any number of British old car quirks could keep the Spitfire grounded (positively!).

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Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America
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2.) Bristol Blenheim

Suggested By: huevosrancheros

Tally Ho: Only the Brits could come up with a car like the Blenheim (and a name like Blenheim). It's got a big V8 stuffed up front, and instead of putting the spare tire in the trunk like any sane carmaker would, Bristol decided to place it behind a panel in front of the passenger door. Adequate power means the Blenheim could cross battlefields rapidly, and it's got the ground clearance to make it over rough terrain. There's also room for four inside, so a General could bring his advisers along for the party.

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Illustration for article titled Ten Cars That Would Have Helped The British Conquer America

1. Mini Cooper S

Suggested By: jip1080

Tally Ho: For when a big car simply won't do. Everyone knows of the Mini's outstanding cross-country capabilities, whether the car is dashing along a special stage in Monaco or running under, above, and through the streets of Turin. The Mini is also quintessentially British — for many, it's right up there with Big Ben, a double-decker bus, and the Beatles.

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DISCUSSION

Spiegel - ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ - Hopes to post on oppos!

Sending a mini into the battlefield is like sending Amy Winehouse to rehab.

It ain't gonna work.