Friends, as I pen this missive from the Jalopnik Global Headquarters in midtown Manhattan, I am frustrated. For days now, the subway station exit nearest to our office has been overrun by swarms of robed youths — they’re graduating from college, or high school, or some other academic pursuit. I know this is a momentous occasion for them, a coming-of-age rite that signals the end of childhood and the first step into the larger, real world, but I also need them to please for the love of god get the fuck out of my way.
The entire sidewalk is just a mass of robes, diplomas, and the oldest relatives you’ve ever seen, all doddering their way around with seemingly no direction, destination, or deadline. I just want to exit the subway, grab some lunch, and get to the office, but instead I have to slink and dodge my way through graduates and nonagenarians like the world’s worst round of Subway Surfers. So, with that frustration in mind, today we’re looking at vehicles that will draw attention and get people to move—in other words, we’re looking at the Dopest Cars.