Truck YeahThe trucks are good!  

The Ford Raptor is one of those vehicles that’s been pretty extensively covered on our fine internet-newsletter here. Over the past couple years, we’ve talked about how it’s a thirsty one-trick pony that’s also shockingly good on twisty roads and is now strong as hell but is, really, just too damn big. All of these things are true. So, when I was delivered a Raptor to test in my little college town, there wasn’t a hell of a lot left to do with it, really. Instead, I’m just going to focus on some small, forgotten details you still have a right to know about.

First, I should mention that I absolutely agree with Raph. The Raptor is too damn big. Maybe not in deserts or on the relatively traffic-free Utopia Planitia area of Mars, but in my little neighborhood, in my little town, with my stupid little body, yes, it’s too fucking big.

This is me, standing next to the Raptor. I’m short, which means that the top of the bed is right about cheekbone-height:

Even if you, like most of the universe, are taller than me, this is still an awkward height for loading anything into the truck, which makes it less useful as a truck. I get that it’s an off-roading beast and there’s a look and all that, but, come on, most of these are still just driven on roads, and their size makes them a pain in the ass.


My Pao is only as long as the Raptor is before the entire bed. And the bed is almost as high as the whole car. The Pao is small, sure, but this truck is big.

Okay, with that bit of obviousness out of the way, let’s hit some of the few details about the Raptor we’ve yet to discuss:


It’s the only car on the market with an external badge for Blindspot Radar

I suppose if your buying criteria involves that you really want to show off that your car is capable of checking its blind spots on its own, this is pretty much your only choice.

Also, the fact that the badge is on a false taillight lens is notable, too; the only other false taillight lens that hides something else that I can think of on a currently-available car is probably the Telsa’s charging port hidden behind a rear side marker light? Though that light actually works, or is a reflector. Anyway, if you’re into fake taillight lenses as well, check out the Raptor.


It has a bunch of funny little marker lights because, legally, it has to

I actually really like all the little marker lights the Raptor has; it has three on the grille, and little amber ones on each front fender corner, with red ones at the rear.


As our own Andrew Collins pointed out on the Chevy Silverado, once a vehicle hits a certain size, federal law mandates that it must have certain extra lights. In the case of the Raptor, since it’s more than 80 inches wide, that means Uncle Sucker mandates it must be equipped with three amber “identification lamps” which Ford sticks on the grille there, and the little corner lights are “clearance lamps” so you can see how freaking wide this beast is.


It has the biggest, flattest rear-seat legroom area of any vehicle on the market

Okay, I haven’t backed this up with detailed measurements, but I’m still pretty confident this is true. If your goal is to own a vehicle with the largest, flattest area for your rear seat passengers, legs, feet, hooves, talons, or whatever, then the Raptor is for you.


The rear seats also have a very good center console with HVAC vents and a remarkably comprehensive selection of power ports: two USBs, one 12V cigarette lighter-style outlet, and an AC-inverter-driven 110V regular three-prong wall outlet.

Speaking of power outlets, are these USB symbols upside-down?


On the Raptor’s front pair of USB ports in the center console area, the USB symbols are printed like you see above there. Are they upside-down?

I feel like I normally see the little USB icon with the arrow pointing up, like this one to the right here:

Does the USB symbol have a top and bottom? I know the stupid connectors do, because I manage to get it wrong 99% of the time I try to plug one in.


Maybe Ford is trying to send some message here. Do they think USB is demonic? Down with USB? Does the ball part indicate where the flat plastic bit with the contacts is in relation to the socket? Is that something everyone secretly knows?

This little power sliding window to the bed is great and I believe is Ford’s tacit approval of people riding in the bed, which is a wonderful thing

I know that riding in the bed of a moving truck is dangerous and you shouldn’t do it and it’s terrible and going to kill us all, but, at the same time, I also believe it’s one of the great simple joys in life and if you’ve lived a life where you’ve never ridden in the back of an open pickup bed on a summer afternoon, preferably after you’ve been swimming in a quarry or something, then your life is sorely lacking.


I think, secretly, Ford believes this, too, so they added that little sliding window to facilitate communication with your pals in the bed. They can’t ever admit this, but I’m going to believe it’s true.


The Raptor’s large door window sill areas and huge mirrors provide birds with an excellent place to go nuts on their reflection and shit with excitement

If you have a Raptor, you can expect that the areas by your side mirrors will always be spattered in bird shit, because the combination of a big mirror and plenty of room to stand and shit is just too irresistible for birds.

You’ve seen how excited birds get when they see their reflections in car mirrors, right?

The Raptor’s setup is pretty much the gold standard for standing and freaking out at your reflection in the bird community.


Also, shitting.

I think we’ve said all we can about the Raptor now. You can all relax.